"Tie off all my tendons"

 I wrote a lot yesterday, but none of it was fit to post here. 

 

There's a semi-specific tone I try to strike here.  Sure, I tend to also say like eighty percent of what I'm thinking, but there are ways I don't want to come off, curtains I don't necessarily want to draw back. at least not without a whole lot of warning and some jazz-hands misdirection, things I'm still working on admitting to myself.  I can be brutal, especially if it's self directed, and I can be certain kinds of whiny and self-pitying, but on so much and no more.

 

Yesterday, I got very lonely and then couldn't decide what direction I wanted to lash in, outwards or inwards.  And I think I mostly get it, I can't control the dog while I'm recovering, everyone has day jobs or serious things to be doing, I dropped off the face of the earth and now I want to be back on it, but I think I don't remember how to talk to people, or how to make new friends, or any of it.   This isn't a crisis, it's just...lonely.  And bringing up a lot of feelings about what kind utility I have, what kind of credit I can borrow against, even if I know there's no such thing as credit.  

 

yesterday I also tried to cook dinner.  I figured I might not be able to get things in and out of the oven completely comfortably, but stovetop should be fine.  I was wrong, and smacking the blade of the knife to peel some garlic sent this deeply uncomfortable sensation through me.  And I'm terrified of damaging them/me, hurting and/or being injured in places where I've had a whole, whole lot of nerve damage makes me super-jumpy, I don't feel like I have the right amount of pain to truly communicate don't-do-that.  

 

I thought I'd laid aside all these crafting and reading and watching and writing people and fucking around on the internet plans to keep myself occupied and nothing's working.   At least today I got to interview for a support position on the TrevorChat team, which would be exciting.  Exhausting too, I'm sure, but I'd like to try.  

 

Tomorrow I think I'll try baking.  Cookies should be relatively lifting-free, as long as I use the hand mixer and don't try to haul the kitchenaid anywhere.  Stress baking seems really appealing right now, but I'm not sure if making an entire ricotta pie for Light and myself is the wisest choice.   I also don't know if I can make decent ricotta pie, but the first step to finding out is trying.