(no subject)

Remember the good old days of livejournal, where one of the memes that cropped up occasionally was something like "seven things you'd say to people if you could" and you'd post these passive aggressive things (or at least I assumed they were supposed to be passive aggressive) and hope that people caught the hint?  Something made me think of that the other day and it's been sticking in my head.

I'm wondering what things I'm not saying these days that I'd like to be saying. I think I'm trying to keep less of them around, most of the time.  Sure, there's always going to be some l'esprit de l'escalier, that's inevitable, and there's that babbling thing I do when I'm unnerved and I always want to go back and explain what I was saying, but that's also not the same thing.

 

There's also not that many people in my life, the rotating but interwoven cast of characters that pivoted around the goth  (and, weirdly, umass fencing) scene in Northampton provided a whole lot more interpersonal drama than I've got now.    Which isn't to say I'm drama-free, just it's a much shorter dramatis personae

 

Which all sounds like a humble-brag, or maybe just a brag, but maybe I'm starting to be the old person I hope to be, little patience and little filter.  or the things I want to say are buried so fucking deep I'm not even sure what they are and I'm willing to accept that awkward mercy that keeps me from knowing the things I want to say but can't.

 

Sure, if I was braver or more committed to truthfulness in all my dealings, I'd probably break up with my parents.  I talk a good line, the more I see other people deal with their elderly parents, the more I realize I don't have the embedded sense of responsibilities or the actual desire to take care of mine.  But, I might anyway, the habit of trying to insulate my baby brothers from my parents has roots that even my best emotional weedkiller can't strip away.  And I still kind of want some of their stuff.

 

Delight said that thing about me saying something about killing internal parts of myself, which is lingering, but upon further reflection is still almost entirely accurate.  There's a lot of weakness that I try to push out on ice floes to drift out to sea (my desire to be liked) or things I keep staked on a chain out in the backyard in the way I'd never do with a real dog) that still snap and growl and try to make their presence known and sometimes I can't sleep through the noise or have to go get something in the backyard (in this extended metaphor, my desire to drink and self-harm are the dogs and getting something in the back yard is doing things like taking anxiety medication or accidentally chewing my hangnails bloody).

 

I've been investigating how I begin conversations, because I want to talk more and know more about people in my world that I'm starting to form connections with, but it seems like I only know emoticons and alarming eshakti links as converational bids for attention and there's got to be a better way.   I also want to just say "hey, I'm thinking about you for some reason" and I don't know how to say that either, most of the time.  (Hey, Bespoke, that was a really good shirt you were wearing)

 

I was dithering about driving out to the coffeeshop near where I pickup Spark after daycare, because my pre-op call was scheduled for 2pm, and I have to pick her up at 3:!5, and I didn't want to be driving for the call because I knew they were going to be giving me written instructions, and in the past, my preop call has been later than initially scheduled.  So I was headed out the door at 1:40 to drive to the coffee shop.  And the phone rings.  Clearly, trying to plan ahead is the way to make them not just not late, but annoying early.   Also, now it's time to go buy the fucking hebiclens, my store of denial is running out.  

Maybe I'll come back and find an appropriate lyrics for this entry.