"just when you swear it off"

Back to that card-a-day app.  When I'm on an upswing, the adjective I'm most likely to pick is curious.  And I'm wondering what I can do to spark more curiosity in my day-to-day life.    (and yes, marie kondo totally ruined the verb spark)
 

Much of my curiosity is about people, I want to find out what they mean behind their words and know their stories and what makes them happy or sad or bored or engaged.  

Depression takes away almost all of my what's-next enthusiasm and much like ED said, it's got an element of blank.  I don't remember having that enthusiasm and even if I could remember it, I wouldn't believe it was ever coming back.  But, depression lies.  The internal critic my therapist insists on calling my greek chorus lies.  And sure, I think I'll be this way forever now, and I'm definitely expecting the train to go through a long tunnel (side question: has trying to brace for impact/the worst ever actually helped me process or survive anything?  Will I never know, because the times I'm braced are the times I don't remember, or will I never know because I'm hypercritical about my reactions to everything and so that whole unflappable thing never entirely happens, which I take to mean I was insufficiently braced.

Like this BRCA2 thing.  All this time later, all these obvious proofs later, and I feel like an asshole for even thinking about not having gotten the surgeries in the face of everything going on with everyone, but I also still beat myself up for not having handled the news better, not having been prepared for the surgeries. not having done enough research about menopause, not knowing how to process anger.   And so I think maybe I shouldn't have gotten the test. And of course, I shouldn't be having any feelings about having gotten it, even in the face of this rather daunting surgery.

but I also want to find new things to be curious about.  Not just people, or maybe not just people in specific, but also people in general.