"little faith and a lot of mercy"

 So, I think the final menu for the house concert is mulled cider, mac'n'cheese, a baked veggies stew w/ yogurt and naan to go with it, and then cookies for dessert.   Maybe I'll also make a secondary dessert, cake or apple bread or something.  Which of course leads me into thoughts of the feast day.

 

 

It's hard to remember that I don't want it to matter how many people show up to things we do, that it's not a popularity contest anymore than anything else is.   And of course, I want to be surrounded by all sorts of people I care about, I want to have the kind of house and the kind of life people want to show up to, but I also need to work through not showing up doesn't mean rejection.  or it does, but not really a personal rejection?

 

And here's where I suspect I get less-than-ideal at poly, or maybe at families, or something like that.  I remember after becoming seriously involved with Light, both my family and his family sort of assumed that they had the dominant narrative, that either family would just sort of subsume the new member.   Light's family had a little bit of an edge, my parents being kind of absurdly attached to 70s sitcom levels of gender roles.   But even then, assumptions were being made.

 

And I try to figure out ways to create my own traditions that are just a little bit aslant of the actual days, in no small part because it makes it easier to to try to get people outside of Light and Abundance to participate.   The bookstore sleepover, Revels, the illumination tour, the new year's day sale, celebrating Hands' birthday instead of christmas when we can.   Hell, even Siblingmas serves the same sort of role. 

 

But it's also sort of like writing here, where I tell myself over and over again, some sort of sour grapes rosary, that it's not about repsonse, it's about opening myself, it's about my intent not what my intent garners.    Because, yeah, I'm often inclined to some sort of fuck-you pillbug kind of retreat.  Or is it more knowing I won't win, I try not to engage because dignified loss is better than flailing and still losing?  I used to talk about a gradeschool economy of pain, that somehow hurting myself was better than waiting for someone else to do it, and maybe assuming rejection feels like the same thing, meaning I'm only ever pleasantly surprised?

 

But I'm going to a show tonight, and I'm really enjoying this recent resurgence of live music in my life.  So, cranky as I might be about other things, there's this.