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"fistful of wishes"
Oct. 9th, 2019 09:02 pmI'm so fucking cagey here. I don't actually want to hurt anyone's feelings, I don't want anyone to find out anything about my relationship with them by this medium, I don't want people to try to guess if I'm talking about them. I don't want to unpack my crush, I don't want to talk about what hurts me, I don't want to grumble about anything. Maybe it's time to start a paper journal, where I say things straight on. Or maybe the semi-curated public breaking and healing and breaking again is the thing I actually want to be doing.
Buying my little brother's house is amazing in many ways, and kind of strange (and a little gross) in many ways. Apparently Mech and Teach don't know (or don't care) about some of the deep cleaning things that need to be done. I've run two different cleaning solutions through the washer, and then pulled out the drain to remove the handful of small rocks and various gross-smelling debris, and then pulled the gasket back to expose the semi-rotten muck that collects there. I think I've mostly solved the standing water issue, but there's a nick in the seal that means it's always going to leak a little. And it's nice having it near the places were laundry accumulates, but I almost wish I could have that space for a linen/first aid closet and have the laundry in the basement (especially so i could have a place to put the drying rack with all my underwear that isn't in the middle of the bathroom).
I've also destroyed a scrub brush and gone through a roll of paper towels, a bunch of vinegar and baking soda and a bought-from-the-store solution to clean dishwashers tablet in my attempt to get the black gunk out of the dishwasher. I managed to dismantle and scrub the insides and the shelves of the fridge (though I suspect I should have figured out how to flush the water dispenser) and haven't even looked into the stove yet.
I lost track of my bullet journal, I'm trying to transition over to using google keep, but all the things I'm supposed to do now are hard to track. The DMV knows I moved (and told me just to sharpie my new address on the back of my license), but now I need to tell banks, and re-register my dog, and figure out who else has my address.
I'm itching to begin cooking, but haven't hung my spice rack or brought most of the pots over or anything like that. (the kitchen was the thing last to be packed, so it's coming over in dribs and drabs in no particular order. and I should probably paint the spice rack, but much like the stairs down and the front door, I suspect that will be a project many months out and I want to unpack the herbs and spices now.
I don't know if Hands and Hips will throw a Halloween party this year, but if they do, I definitely don't have a costume and am sitting on my hands trying not to buy a tank top that says "sexy dawning realization that nothing will ever be okay" in place of one.
The cats seem to love it here, the dog is delighted by an outside that is entirely people-free and contains whatever amazing thing lurks under the shed that she will never get. The boys seem happy. I'm a little stuck in my feels, but hopefully I'll figure out a way around them too. I know this is awesome, I know I'll find a way to be happy here, I know that the cascade of Light being unwell, Abundance being gone and then being unwell myself might have made enthusiasm more challenging than it otherwise might be I know it's okay that I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers (by which I mean the kindness of my partners and Lyft) to go places at night (I don't understand why I interrogate myself so much about whether or not I'm really night blind, I'm not sure how much the label matters in the determination that I feel like a threat to others behind a wheel at night) (okay, maybe I understand a little. Some days I fear I erroneously claim I'm an alcoholic for attention)).
In 12 days, everything changes all over again, and I don't have any idea what the shape of my days will look like. Light's comfortable with me prioritizing Spark instead of searching for a way to make money that won't eat my soul and I stand by my sentiment that I want to be as involved as I can be, but that I'll walk away if it turns out that's what's best for Spark. and I know I told myself over and over again that there would be a period where Delight needed as much autonomy and self-sufficiency as they could muster, and that there was a chance our relationship wouldn't survive me being constantly present for a non-self-reliant part of their life and if I'm prepared for that, I should be prepared for anything else. But oh, I am scared, prickly and difficult to console, and oh, our damage does not line up well here.
We've moved, we're in a new house. Sure, I'm breeding lung demons and wrenched my back something awful coughing and so I can't pick up anything, but we're in a new house. Work is getting done on the old house, after which we'll hire some absurdly thorough professional cleaners and put it on the market. I still want to haul so many things up to the attic, but that's not happening.
Buying my little brother's house is amazing in many ways, and kind of strange (and a little gross) in many ways. Apparently Mech and Teach don't know (or don't care) about some of the deep cleaning things that need to be done. I've run two different cleaning solutions through the washer, and then pulled out the drain to remove the handful of small rocks and various gross-smelling debris, and then pulled the gasket back to expose the semi-rotten muck that collects there. I think I've mostly solved the standing water issue, but there's a nick in the seal that means it's always going to leak a little. And it's nice having it near the places were laundry accumulates, but I almost wish I could have that space for a linen/first aid closet and have the laundry in the basement (especially so i could have a place to put the drying rack with all my underwear that isn't in the middle of the bathroom).
I've also destroyed a scrub brush and gone through a roll of paper towels, a bunch of vinegar and baking soda and a bought-from-the-store solution to clean dishwashers tablet in my attempt to get the black gunk out of the dishwasher. I managed to dismantle and scrub the insides and the shelves of the fridge (though I suspect I should have figured out how to flush the water dispenser) and haven't even looked into the stove yet.
I lost track of my bullet journal, I'm trying to transition over to using google keep, but all the things I'm supposed to do now are hard to track. The DMV knows I moved (and told me just to sharpie my new address on the back of my license), but now I need to tell banks, and re-register my dog, and figure out who else has my address.
I'm itching to begin cooking, but haven't hung my spice rack or brought most of the pots over or anything like that. (the kitchen was the thing last to be packed, so it's coming over in dribs and drabs in no particular order. and I should probably paint the spice rack, but much like the stairs down and the front door, I suspect that will be a project many months out and I want to unpack the herbs and spices now.
I don't know if Hands and Hips will throw a Halloween party this year, but if they do, I definitely don't have a costume and am sitting on my hands trying not to buy a tank top that says "sexy dawning realization that nothing will ever be okay" in place of one.
The cats seem to love it here, the dog is delighted by an outside that is entirely people-free and contains whatever amazing thing lurks under the shed that she will never get. The boys seem happy. I'm a little stuck in my feels, but hopefully I'll figure out a way around them too. I know this is awesome, I know I'll find a way to be happy here, I know that the cascade of Light being unwell, Abundance being gone and then being unwell myself might have made enthusiasm more challenging than it otherwise might be I know it's okay that I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers (by which I mean the kindness of my partners and Lyft) to go places at night (I don't understand why I interrogate myself so much about whether or not I'm really night blind, I'm not sure how much the label matters in the determination that I feel like a threat to others behind a wheel at night) (okay, maybe I understand a little. Some days I fear I erroneously claim I'm an alcoholic for attention)).
In 12 days, everything changes all over again, and I don't have any idea what the shape of my days will look like. Light's comfortable with me prioritizing Spark instead of searching for a way to make money that won't eat my soul and I stand by my sentiment that I want to be as involved as I can be, but that I'll walk away if it turns out that's what's best for Spark. and I know I told myself over and over again that there would be a period where Delight needed as much autonomy and self-sufficiency as they could muster, and that there was a chance our relationship wouldn't survive me being constantly present for a non-self-reliant part of their life and if I'm prepared for that, I should be prepared for anything else. But oh, I am scared, prickly and difficult to console, and oh, our damage does not line up well here.
