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"it's not pictures or privilege"
Oct. 3rd, 2019 10:05 pm Today was a lot.
But "change is bad" is hard to strip from my speech because it seems like something impossible to strip from my mind. I feel off kilter and fragile and clinging to the edge of a precipice with ragged fingernails. I'm jumping to the worst conclusions, left and right, and I don't know how to ask for what I need because I have no idea what I need. And today, after shutting down the crying with some intense teeth clenching, I got a little nap on Delight's lap and that was restorative, but even little pieces of peace feel like...some metaphor I'm currently unable to craft. something very small in the face of something very large.
I know I've talked about this before to, but for some reason it keeps coming to mind, every couple years. I had a screen saver in college that would repeat a line of text over and over again. It was originally a simpsons bit, the sentences the ones Bart would be writing in the background. I filled it with lyrics and lines of poetry and it was half bibliomancy and half talisman. Eventually, I switched it out for one that just floated text across the screen, but there was magic in the repetition, there still is, I just need to figure out what the new mantra is.
Light's going to Canobie with Boisterous tomorrow evening, Abundance flying back late from his conference, and it's not the first time I've been alone in the house, but it's the first long evening stretching out before me and of course I want to unpack everything, but of course I also want to curl up with dandelion chai and a horror movie and just be still. Or maybe unpack just enough to bake myself something. I'd say nutmeg muffins, but I don't even remember packing the muffin tin, much less into which box.
As Spark's comprehension improves by leaps and bounds and her echolalia outstrips that, I'm trying to stop say a bunch of different things. And since even for me, context analysis is sometimes hard (and I say even me because, well, hypervigilance) so I'm trying to just stop saying them, to find the rephrases.
But "change is bad" is hard to strip from my speech because it seems like something impossible to strip from my mind. I feel off kilter and fragile and clinging to the edge of a precipice with ragged fingernails. I'm jumping to the worst conclusions, left and right, and I don't know how to ask for what I need because I have no idea what I need. And today, after shutting down the crying with some intense teeth clenching, I got a little nap on Delight's lap and that was restorative, but even little pieces of peace feel like...some metaphor I'm currently unable to craft. something very small in the face of something very large.
I know I've talked about this before to, but for some reason it keeps coming to mind, every couple years. I had a screen saver in college that would repeat a line of text over and over again. It was originally a simpsons bit, the sentences the ones Bart would be writing in the background. I filled it with lyrics and lines of poetry and it was half bibliomancy and half talisman. Eventually, I switched it out for one that just floated text across the screen, but there was magic in the repetition, there still is, I just need to figure out what the new mantra is.
Light's going to Canobie with Boisterous tomorrow evening, Abundance flying back late from his conference, and it's not the first time I've been alone in the house, but it's the first long evening stretching out before me and of course I want to unpack everything, but of course I also want to curl up with dandelion chai and a horror movie and just be still. Or maybe unpack just enough to bake myself something. I'd say nutmeg muffins, but I don't even remember packing the muffin tin, much less into which box.
