"I got one taste of the apple"

 I used to be strangely desperate to have other people in my life, contorting myself in increasingly challenging ways as I thought the situation merited.  I was thinking about it today in the shower, about trying to make myself easy to talk to.  And from the world's reactions I am sometimes easy and sometimes extremely hard.  And I thought that it was what you had to do to keep from being lied to, to keep from wandering face-first into active lies or lies of omission.   But I realized that it didn't work, and maybe it's more about ither people's choices than it is about making myself easy for other people.   Which isn't to say that I still don't feel desperate sometimes, like I want to try to find a few more people to talk to, ins to all the various in groups I can see from where I'm standing or even someone new to snuggle.  

 

My therapist tells me on a fairly regular basis, or it comes up on a fairly regular basis, that trying to imagine the worst possible outcome and/or trying to make myself as small as possible to make myself take up as little space as possible hasn't really worked.  Bad things keep happening.  But maybe I'd deal even more badly with bad things if I didn't try to anticipate them. It's an unprovable thesis, I can't go back and find out how I'd react to things differently, I can't even really imagine it.    (there's llike seventy things to unpack here, but I really want to go to bed and feel like I need to post this before I do)

 

During one of our rougher patches, Light and I tried to explore the difference between remembering things and holding things against someone, if I could do the former without doing the latter. To this day, I still don't know.  I simultaneously castigate myself for not being over everything already and try to make sure I use all the information I have on hand all of the time.    
 

It wasn't much of a day, I went to bed too late yesterday, got up at my usual time, spent like the first three hours of the day doing all of the cleaning I'd been too inert to do, walked to the farmers market with Light, Abundance and Nonsense (who was so brave and good and excited to see the dog treat vendor), walked home, napped, went to Microcenter to buy a new computer, then realized what I think I really also want is a chromebook to carry around, since 80% of what I use my computer for when I'm not home is email and internet based, then on to bookgroup and then not-going to Godzilla because Light's back is still iffy.  Abundance made dinner with the fresh caper-dijon pasta from the farmers market and fried eggs, then we watched a couple episodes of lucifer ordered JP Licks and played Starbound.

 

Okay, when I put it all together, it looks like more than it felt.

 

I am simultaneously saddened by the fact I have to find all new stickers for a new laptop and a little bit pleased because shopping on etsy is always fun.  It feels a little bit too much like a shortcut, like virtue signalling that I haven't earned, but I'm trying to remember it's also exhoratory and can be about what I'm aiming at as well as who I am.   

 

And now it is far past my bedtime.