"we'll have better goodbyes"

 The next couple weeks feel like a strange sort of headlong rush into something. 

 

Tonight - saw Us with Light

Wednesday - Cleaning, cooking (walnut herb fauxmeatballs and carrot ricotta quiche), class at Gather Here, seeing N for lunch and polyglot in the afternoon

Thursday - Nothing at the moment other than the usual Spark and I have to stop feeding squeaker at night, which means I have to stop feeding all the cats which means they're going to be awful.

Friday - drop squeaker off.  Go to the gym.  go cover for spark's W-F nanny 

Sat - Skip my nibling's bday party to go to an all-day meeting for conA.   Go to said meeting.  Try to go to some part of Indie Bookstore day somewhere.

Sun - BARCC walk for change. 

Mon - Spark, pizza w/ W

Tue - Spark, couples, bookgroup at Gather Here

Wed - online meeting for ConA, Light leaves for Beltane

Thurs - Fundraising event for volunteer organization

 

And then that weekend feels like it's full, but I can't remember anything I've actually got going on.  Light will still be at Beltane with Boisterous,   Abundance has a friend's party and there's the Big Thrifty.

 

I know this is a life, I know it's a good life.  I'm not actually hurtling down a mountain, I make my own plans, I volunteer for things, none of this is under the control of anyone else.  It just doesn't feel under my control either.  

 

Maybe I should take things back to first principles, remember why I'm doing what I'm doing and try to figure out which bits of what I'm doing serve that purpose and then see if I feel differently about things if I remember to connect them back to the why. 

 

I like being a nanny/housewife most of the time.  I still need to work through the idea that not having a salary means I can never ask Light or Abundance to do anything around the house other than litterboxes, trash and dogwalks.  I like making a home, I like being domestic and sometimes I wish I had a larger pool of people to do that for. even though the idea of finding specific people I can handle is exhausting to even contemplate.  

 

There's something wrong here, I'm too tired, I play too much merge dragons and read too little, I'm watching endless youtube videos and episodes of grey's anatomy, I feel like first I forgot how to talk to strangers, then I forgot how to talk to friends and now I'm forgetting how to talk to partners.   Seriously, what do people even say?

 

I keep coming back to this thread of wanting to ask people all the questions, to find out what makes everyone tick. There's a lot of reasons for this.  I keep asking my therapist how real people do things, what a normal reaction to something is, so I can compare with my reaction, see where I'm failing or where the cracks are showing or what I should be trying harder to feel. Some part of me still almost certainly wants to find out what people need so I can figure out if I want to provide it and how so I can figure out how to be good enough to be kept. Some part of me knows that people like to talk about themselves, if you can stumble on the right questions.  Some part of me is still, always, story-hungry.