(no subject)

 Missed two days this time, some combination of depression and exhaustion and allergies and just straight up weekending.

 

Sunday was extremely uneventful, this year allergy meds are barely touching the issue and so my waking and my sleeping are extremely uncomfortable and this time that made for a day of wandering around the house semiconscious.

 

Saturday was distinctly more eventful.   Cleaned, grocery shopped, went to bookgroup (Someone has a very exciting to me ARC, bonus of being in a bookgroup with someone who works at a bookstore), came home and hung out with boisterous, polyglot, abundance and light for boisterous's birthday celebration.  I couldn't find candles, so Light stuck a match in the Lyndells cake they bought and much celebration and cake was had.  

 

There's so much to do, and my face hurts and I think it's allergies, but there's a thunderstorm and those are bringing on migraines more and more often these days.  And the corners of my mouth are splitting and I feel like I just radiate grossness because of it (and many other reasons)

 

I've been listening to Worthless by Anna Tivel in heavy rotation. I'm listening because I can't het the chorus(es) out of my head and I can't get the chorus(es) out of my head possibly because I'm listening to it too often.  But mostly because worth and worthless are right up there on the list of words that fuck me up, like grace and mercy and deserve and fair.

 

I never did wrong, i never did gamble

til the day you called me worthless

 

I never did wrong, I never was tempted

til the day you named my anger 

 

I never did wrong, I was kind and careful 

til the day you called me worthless

 

I don't always know what I take my worth from, and I'm afraid I've used too many different kinds of rejection (real and perceived) to define my worth or lack thereof.  

 

It's way past my bedtime, I have no clever quote for a subject line.  I'll have to write during the day tomorrow because Light and I are finally going to go see Us tomorrow night and I suspect I'll need to fall asleep immediately upon getting home.