"I want love in the aftermath"

*this is not proof-read*

Someone posted this quote " Our own tight places are meant to be answered with expansiveness: with divine expansiveness, and with our own"  

 

So of course, I can't think too much about the divinity part without tripping myself up, but there's still something there that resonates.  I think mostly the idea of finding my strictures/stenoses and trying to find ways to make them feel less clenchy, like those days when I'm wearing my shoulders as earrings and need to just breathe through it in the moment.  (the now is often at the cost of later-omnia, who will slink off and find somewhere private to cry if she can.)

 

But I can feel it when something bumps up against my tight places, the back of my throat, that muscle at the base of my thumb, my back teeth, the biggest muscles in my thighs, my tear ducts and my sinuses. It's where I want to be a better person and don't have the reflexes or the bravery or the strength, when I make decisions because I'm afraid of shattering, not because it's the best decision I can make in the moment, when I forget how to be generous, forget how not to assume the worst.  

 

I volunteer for a place that trains its volunteers very seriously, and yesterday I took part in training the latest batch by participating in a poly panel, where I discovered that I am now apparently a wise poly elder.  I was older by ten years than the next oldest person and depending on how you count these things (did I start being truly poly in 2009 with Asshat?  Did I start in my mid twenties deciding not to date exclusively?

 

I'm losing track of everything, I have all sorts of things floating around in the soup and now writing them down in anywhere, not even draft emails.  I need to contact the optometrist, to see if my prescription fo rcontact lenses is still good, so I can start taking Spark to the pool again, once my tattoo heals up.  I need to contact the sleep study people to find a day when i can have an appointment to get fitted for the at home study, and also be able to go in the next day to return the equipment. I need to do a handful of things for con A, but I'm waiting for one or two responses before I can do them.  I need to contact the eye surgeon, make an appointment and go in.  I need to find my fitbit and set it back up, I need to catch up on my email, I need to read more.  I need to buy new dishes (the dog has broken multiple mugs and dishes in the past couple days.  Apparently the coffee table is no long a place Nonsense remembers not to go when we're gone.) I need to register the car, and apply for new parking passes. I need to find a color printer so I can print out the pattern Media asked me to stitch for him.  I need to find a way to keep my brain moving, take one of those coursera courses I've been lusting after. Like a   I need to find more things to do with Spark. I need to find a way to be out of the house every other Monday night, or treat myself to something lovely at home