"and you know when he says"

 The past is a complicated beast, for me.  I suspect for most, but something Polyglot (I wish I was more comfortable with multiple word usenames, because she'd be the polyglot kitten) said yesterday about having a hard time interacting with people because she remembers things that she wished she'd not done or not said differently. I didn't ask in the moment (hockey rinks and wired-from-game not being the right place or time) but I wondered if she also regretted things not said or not done.  I'm definitely more haunted by the things I did do, but there are still chances I wished I'd seized.

 

I've lost a lot of people.  Not like dead lost, though I suspect some of them maybe are.  My therapist tells me that it's because, well, I'm not exactly sure what she said but what I took away from it is the combination of alcoholism, being acoa and the wrong meds made me not know how to relate to others.  

 

In my head, I completed that sentence as too much, and then backtracked because my therapist has never said that and tries very hard to get me to accept I'm not too much.  I'm not sure when I switched from being not enough to being too much, but I'm pretty too much just subsumed not enough and now I worry about both.   (Another therapist once told Light and me that there's no such thing as an overreaction, there are just reactions.)

 

I don't know who I want back, if anyone. After Asshat, I eventually told myself something along the lines of "time brings everyone who isn't an asshole back around."  which might be a sad flag to fly in the face of being left, but sometimes also helps.  There's something about the one who leaves gets to be the one who has the story, and how I'm never going to know as much of the why as I want to, and that's all mixed up with my weird fetish for getting people to admit things to themselves and then to me.   

 

I announced to Abundance a couple days ago  that I had two things on my post-nanny docket.  Sleep for a year and find someone to get into a LDR with, I want a relationship that is mostly words and anticipation, and something that helps me travel solo instead of stay on the couch with the cats.  Yesterday I added figure out how to get the opportunity to swim with sharks.

 

Twice, I've dreamed about a snorkel experience  in this magical resort that doesn't exist, that we got to in a little go cart that was somehow perfectly undisturbed sealife, but also underneath an art museum that was a series of exhibits on pontoons, almost all glass art, from tiffany to chihuly and a bunch I didn't recognize the artist.  (it was in my  brain, I suspect there wasn't a specific reference) and everything was well lit and sometimes the light was such that the colors from the art glowed in the water and I remember this gorgeous framing of a ray sailing through the underwater sunbeam tinted with all the blues and purples of a piece of art above the water.  I want to go there too.

 

I took the tegaderm off today and now I just have to worry about how to convince Spark she can't poke the kitty.