and the sun comes in tears

 mrrr...someone failed to hit post after composing this, so I skipped yesterday. (it's me. the someone is me)   But, as long as I post twice today,whatever internal standard I'm holding myself to will be satisfied.

Sometimes I think I'll just keep making overtures until I'm actually told not to.  And sometimes I think I should just stay home and be quiet, because I want to think of myself as good at reading people and trying to poke my nose into people's lives when they don't want my nose there is a remarkably tone deaf thing to be doing.

 

I want to be semi-impervious to self-delusion, if that's possible.  But that cuts in many  ways, the delusion I'm unlovable informing as many of my actions as the one where that I always stepping where I'm not wanted. 

And I want to think this through, 'cause I know there's a fallacy at the bottom of it, I just don't know which one.

 

Let's pick a person and call them W (for realsies, W is an amalagram of approx twelve people spanning a range of twenty years.  Sometimes my messages are veiled thrusts or veiled parries, this is neither).  

 

W may or may not like me.  I want to hang out with W, and ask them.  They say they're bad at responding to email (or text, or chat, or pigeons) but that I should keep asking.  Is it because they don't want to have to put in the labor of rejecting me, and small acts of not responding take less effort?  Is it because they're just not that good at communication outside of the lines that are currently laid down in their lives?  is it because they're busy?  Do I have any way of knowing?  I could ask, but I barely take my partners' answers at face value and that's something I've been struggling with for over a decade so often people's answers don't feel like answers, instead they're just another thing to try to find the hidden meaning behind.

 

So, either I stop trying or I don't.   So, plans get made or they don't.  So, plans get kept or they don't. I get more data or I don't.  I don't want to hang out with people who don't want to hang out with me.  I also don't want to use the energy it takes to reach out again to people who won't reach back.

 

Remember, omnia, you can't make anyone want you for any extended period of time.  They have to want you for yourself for themsevles.

 

Is the thing I'm trying to puzzle out to safeguard against being mocked in my absence, being put in another situation where everyone but me knows something?  Is this connected to that thing that happened in college, or the one that happened in high school or does it go even further back to something about growing up hypervigilant?  Is it about the part where I think it's my job to keep myself from sustaining more damage, in case this next time it's structural? 

 

"Stand still, let me scrub that brackish line"

 Once upon a time Light bought me the lego set for Fallingwater.  I believe this was at least ten years ago.  Since I can only ever build it once for the first time, I've been saving it for a really bad day.  For something like ten years, during which so many bad things have happened and yet if I can always imagine worse, it's not a Really Bad Day.

 

Similarly, whenever asked to rate my mood or my pain on a 1-10 scale, I don't think I usually go higher than a 7 or so, unless I'm deliberately inflating my number to attempt to get medicated in a way that seems useful.  (not an addicty way, just trying to model what someone else might do) (which isn't to say I don't do things in addicty ways, I just remember what it was like conning tylenol 3 out of a college health center, and I'm trying not to do that again) 

 

Migraines aren't exactly an exception to this, but they're their own unique type of pain, some combination of nausea, vertigo and stabbing.   I'm learning to medicate them more quickly, to try to stave off the days when the medication doesn't touch it and I have to double down with a class of drugs I don't love using.  (Addicts are also kind of supposed to stay away from barbituates) (But I almost never let them get to the point where I contemplate scooping my left eye out with a spoon because maybe the pain just needs somewhere to go, or the point where I contemplate throwing myself down stairs in hopes of breaking something and being distracted by that pain. 

 

But I have an excellent imagination, and so most things I'm saving for a bad day, I'm still saving.   And our financial advisor says no one ever complains about having saved too much money and I get all defiant and remind him that they don't complain because they're dead.  If I save a lot of money and then die before I spend it, I'm not going to stick around to haunt my financial advisor.  Though maybe I might out of sheer bloodymindedness.

*tangent*

 

I had an odd conversation the other day with someone where they talked about the population to whom they're attracted and/or they think is attracted to them.  I choked down all my immediate responses with the exception of an iteration of the coffee joke "i like my people like I like my coffee, lukewarm and bitter" but my brain just kept throwing them at me for the rest of the weekend.

I'm attractive to people who think they want to take care of someone but don't really have the bandwidth. I'm attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable for reasons usually pertaining to damage done by another person or damage they did to another person.
I'm attractive to people who want to talk about some other person.  I'm attracted to people with other priorities. But it's probably better than that.  I probably need to write about this when I'm in a better mood.