"but not the only way"

Here are the five posts I've started writing, written myself into a corner and deleted.

 

1.  It's Sunday night, I'm home alone (by choice, I could have gone to a superbowl thing). Sunday nights are weird. As a kid I loved them, in Northampton I hated them, now I think I just have the habit of asking myself angsty questions on Sundays when my energy is at a low ebb.

 

2. I'm listening to a book called the curse of the boyfriend sweater. It's essays about crafting and one of them is about learning to craft from a grandmother.  Or someone in a grandmotherly role  Neither of my grandmothers could teach me anything, one was the most openly mean person I've ever know, the other died of cancer when I was five.  One grandfather died when my mother was pregnant with me, the other was a lovely man who introduced me to dictionaries, but I don't remember learning any skills from him. And I know I learned some concrete skills from someone before I turned 30, but needlework and driving are the only two I can think of. I envy families of origin or choice who have things other than trauma handed down.

 

3.  The convention, who I want to be, if I want to be it with respect to fandom, how can I commit to anything until I know a little more of the shape of the future?

 

4.  Spark being sick and me not wanting to catch it because that would mean rescheduling the colonoscopy, and I think the only thing worse than having this colonoscopy (more specific, the 48 hrs of consuming only clear liquid and the dread, the actual procedure I'll have no recollection of) is not having it and having spent the day freaking out about asking if there's any way I can not hang out with Spark. *update, Spark care is somehow being covered*

 

5. Praise and when the fuck will I calm down about it.