"sing me a story I haven't heard yet"

I'm not really my best self these days.  And maybe I should try to be more gentle, but maybe I also fear whatever it is that lies at the end of that path.

 

Fuck maybe. Full stop I fear.

 

My therapist tries to school me out of "shoulds" and "supposed tos" but I think that's those phrases are the only way I know how to be a person in the world.

 

I'm trying to model good self care so by the time Spark can notice I can do it (fake it) well enough, but I'm also trying to find ways to let off all the internal pressure that keeps building. I've eliminated all the truly useful-feeling self-harmy ones and the little ones don't feel like they help, like I'm tackling a five alarm fire with a fire extinguisher and a defeatist attitude.

 

All my to-do lists rapidly grow unmanagable, I abandoned my bullet journal months ago, I signed up for weight watchers and told myself I just want to lose enough not to have to do any clothes shopping, I forget how to stay in touch with people, I can't keep up with the pet hair, I just go back to the same five recipes that make unreasonable amounts of food so I can eat the same thing for as long as it takes the boys to finish it off.  They're cutting down all the trees behind my house to make way for the green line and I can't stay on top of my email. 

 

And I want to title all my posts with weakerthan quotes and I want to contact so many different people from my past, but especially Lesson and I don't know why, but it feels like I want to pull off all the scabs and Delight suggests that I'm looking to feel seen because he did once, too well.  but maybe I just want the drama of my twenties back, of doomed loves and postcards from Italy.  like you do.

 

And I ask myself questions like does relationship anarchy just mean the person with the most situational intelligence or the person who is the right kind of broken just soaks up all the complications like a sponge?  why does it feel like quitting facebook is the only way to interact with facebook that doesn't make me cry? why do I feel so much territoriality and spend so much effort trying not to perform it?  What more can I be doing to help Delight? what's this all going to look like next year? what comes next? how do I start going to the gym again?