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Jul. 8th, 2018 12:23 pm I found myself on the couch today in one of my self-soothing poses, hand on my chest with the v inbetween thumb and index finger nestled at the bottom of my throat. huh, I thought, that's something I should pay attention to. A couple minutes later, my hand had creeped up to cover my mouth, with my nose resting in that same v.
So, something's stirring, some leviathan possibly worse than the panic attack a couple weekends ago. I took an ativan for the first time in years, shaking and shuddering and so mad at myself for not being able to stop crying, for having asked a question I wasn't ready for the answer to,
Nowhere in this book's description did it mention that the author was an alcoholic and now I'm hooked, but I'm also sort of mad and jealous of how easy she made it sound, going inpatient and coming out the other side not wanting a drink anymore. Posting to facebook and getting an outpouring of support and invitations to visit that are going to take her on a world tour it sounds like. (Comfort Food Diaries by Emily Nuun)
Therapy's been hard too lately, I've been working through a lot of feelings about family, about blood and what it does and doesn't mean (I typed doesn't and doesn't first, which seems telling). Delight's family helps them. Her parents have shown up multiple times, her in-laws have shown up multiple times. And granted, I don't have cancer, and double granted I wouldn't ever want either parents or inlaws to show up when I was in crisis, but thinking of the families I was born into and married into, I don't think of them as people I go to for help. My parents I'm responsible for, my little brothers are those people that you want to be friends with so much more than they want to be friends with you. My inlaws are bewildered by me at best. Maybe it's telling that Abundance's mother seems to like me best, across language barriers but I don't know what it's tell.
I'm cooking a lot of slow cooker meals, the fridge is too full of leafy greens slowly rotting. But the chat bot/chat person on Sprint just told me I was the most cheerful and cooperative customer he's had in days. So that's something?
So, something's stirring, some leviathan possibly worse than the panic attack a couple weekends ago. I took an ativan for the first time in years, shaking and shuddering and so mad at myself for not being able to stop crying, for having asked a question I wasn't ready for the answer to,
Nowhere in this book's description did it mention that the author was an alcoholic and now I'm hooked, but I'm also sort of mad and jealous of how easy she made it sound, going inpatient and coming out the other side not wanting a drink anymore. Posting to facebook and getting an outpouring of support and invitations to visit that are going to take her on a world tour it sounds like. (Comfort Food Diaries by Emily Nuun)
Therapy's been hard too lately, I've been working through a lot of feelings about family, about blood and what it does and doesn't mean (I typed doesn't and doesn't first, which seems telling). Delight's family helps them. Her parents have shown up multiple times, her in-laws have shown up multiple times. And granted, I don't have cancer, and double granted I wouldn't ever want either parents or inlaws to show up when I was in crisis, but thinking of the families I was born into and married into, I don't think of them as people I go to for help. My parents I'm responsible for, my little brothers are those people that you want to be friends with so much more than they want to be friends with you. My inlaws are bewildered by me at best. Maybe it's telling that Abundance's mother seems to like me best, across language barriers but I don't know what it's tell.
I'm cooking a lot of slow cooker meals, the fridge is too full of leafy greens slowly rotting. But the chat bot/chat person on Sprint just told me I was the most cheerful and cooperative customer he's had in days. So that's something?
