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 Still on vacation.

Went on a somewhat disappointing snorkel boat trip with the Pacific Whale Foundation (no Molokini for us), but I saw four sea turtles and three whales and a bunch of fish. At some point while following some sort of parrotfish I felt somewhat indignant on behalf of less showy fish and spent a while following around something unremarkably colored but still very fun to watch.

Hips knows me well enough that when I announce it's probably time to get some contacts she knew it was because I was tired of missing out on seeing doggies on the beach while romping in the ocean.

Light and I went on a romantic sunset walk along the beach.  Sunset was entirely obscured by clouds, but we found a freshly dead moray eel.  And I cracked myself up talking about how these weird light rocks/chunks of coral freak me out when they roll over my feet, because rocks should either stay still or try to murder you, not harmlessly bump against your ankles.

I'm having a lot of feelings that I'm having a hard time parsing, like I've forgotten how to vacation properly, like I'm missing people in the wrong ways, like I'm resenting Light for how he's missing his girlfriend, how I'm still prying details about his girlfriend out of him like teeth. And not even the easily yanked kind of teeth, though I guess it's not as bad as wisdom teeth either.  I go back from ecstatic to exhausted and then go down some awful path where I'm not rested enough when I get back (enough for what I have no idea).  And I keep trying to tidy this up, but if I'm going to post here more, I need to learn how to post the untidy things too.

(no subject)

I have a lot of information stored in my email, on pinterest and in my bookmarks, in gdocs.  I have the best of intentions of organizing it, reviewing it, returning to it, integrating it into more useful formats (like consolidating all the 100 best lists of books into my TBR spreadsheet (which is currently at 400+ fiction and 100+ nonfiction books I'd like to read). But I don't, and I don't know how to start approaching it.  Clean up pinterest, then move all the recipes I've bookmarked into it?  Example - I have an amazon wishlist of cookbooks to try, a pinterest board of cookbooks, some cookbooks on my TBR list, and some bookmarks of "best of" cookbooks. I'd like them all in one place, but which place?

Some of it is essays, about any number of things - witchery, fat positivity, consent, intersectional feminism, social justice) and I know bookmarking them isn't the same as absorbing the information, but there's just so much. And somehow, I feel like time spent organizing these things is wasted, that I could be cleaning or cooking or reading actual books that go on my have-read list.  (I brought all my back issues of Bitch magazine to read and yet I don't want to do anything but read books because I'm at one book a day already and I want to keep it up) 

I have all these hopes and dreams of a perfect schedule, where I train Nonsense for a couple minutes every day, go dark at 9pm, get to the gym, make sure there are no dirty dishes in the sink, track what I eat and I don't know how to make any of them happen. I want to volunteer routinely. participate in communities, hang out with people. I want to break up with the mobile games I have on my phone and my tablet, but my brain just wants to check out. I spend too much time reading trainwrecks on fetlife,too much time playing with the TBR list and not enough time reading books on it. Things spiral out of control and there's a voice in my head that tells me it's already too late, I'm already too old, I'm already too tired for change.

But, soon I'll go get in the ocean and that at least, I feel pretty good about.