"somebody do something, anything, soon"

I keep having all these good intentions.

I want to be healthier, I want to be more active, I see Light and Abundance taking all the positive steps, and I don't know what to do, how to wrangle this unruly body and this intractable mind. And I want to make plans, this is what I'm going to eat, t his is how I'm going to exercise, this is what I'm going to do, find the formula that will make everything okay, find an autopilot where I don't have to decide to do anything, I can just do it.

I intended to fresh-start myself when we got back from St Louis, but arrived home with a wicked cold and haven't really stirred from the couch, hacking my lungs out, living on nyquil, mucinex and popsicles, fucking around on the internet to absolutely no purpose.  Second day out of work, can't go babysit Tank tomorrow, and I'm going into all sorts of baby withdrawal, missing him, missing my niece already.

I googled an ex yesterday.  Not Asshat, not Lesson, but the boy who tried to hang himself with a too-long rope, the one who cut himself, called me in a panic, and i raced down there to find something I could cover with my thumb, the one who told me my piercings were gross, who wanted me to be quiet and still during sex.  He still exists, he's on the other end of the state, I don't know why I looked him up. I don't have the nostalgia I associate with Lesson, or the rage I associate with Asshat towards him. I don't even think I have 

But, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe tomorrow I'll managed to read real books, rather than stare at youtube videos.  Maybe tomorrow I'll clean the fridge, make the plans.  Today, however, I think I'll sit with this particular stagnant sort of depression I associate with summer cold, mull over the use of makeup and what I'd like to accomplish by using it, and pet cats.