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I wrote myself a screed about how I don't want people to use crazy pejoratively, but I also don't want people to try to take the label away from me, to think that somehow high-functioning means that the crazy's gone elsewhere. And then I tried to compare it to my alcoholism, but that metaphor ran away with me to somewhere kind of offensive-feeling.
I'm feeling particularly like I'm headed on my personal train to my personal crazy-town at the moment. I'm in St Louis, with my sister-in-law, helping her and her husband take care of my nieces while said sister-in-law recovers from her mastectomy. because she just had breast cancer and then chemo. And she's fairly blaise about talking about the whole process, and emptying her drains (while she still had them in) in front of me, and I've only had to cry a little once and managed to do it in the shower.
There's no privacy here, we sleep in a bedroom with a 6 month old, there's an absurd heat advisory on at the moment, so going out for a walk is outside the realm of possibility, since I don't actually want the privacy of passing out from heat stroke. I've been doing pretty well helping Light with the midnight and 4 am feedings, I'm absurdly happy while carrying a baby around. But i miss Abundance, and cats, and not having to sleep with clothes on, I miss my house, I miss a water quality that makes me feel like I'm actually clean after I shower.
And even before we came out here, I could feel myself clenching. We're cleaning out what was Light's game room to turn it into a room of my own, with a bed, and all my crafting things in one place, and all the politics of naming rooms are weird (technically, all the rooms are "our" rooms and the definition of our just shifts back and forth, but I want a "my" room. Part of this process involved cleaning out the game room, and we unearthed the whiteboard I had from back when one of my coping tools was to schedule myself exhaustively, to always know where I was intending to be and what I was intending to do.
And now I keep a long list of events, and share it with Light and Abundance and Delight, in case they want to accompany me,and sometimes I can soothe myself just by looking for things to add to the list, even if we don't go, to whittle away at the thoughts about what I might be missing, what I might have forgotten.
I started to brainstorm the things i wanted a day or a week to include today, and found myself making a grid where I parceled my weeks up into fifteen minute chunks, blocking out the things I knew I needed to do (Work, therapies, Tank, transit, date nights with Light and Abundance, work from home dates with Delight.
And this regimented omnia would spend her sundays working out her week, planning all the meals and preparing some, laying out her outfits, making Abundance his breakfasts and lunches, portioning out what parts of her meals could be pre-apportioned, deciding what she's reading for the week, when she'll journal, when she'll work out, what she'll read.
And we all talk about poly like it is primarily a challenge of time management, but what happens when you want to micromanage yourself into stability, and the very things that keep you(me) stable are the things that are outside my scope of management?
I want each day to contain sleep, and journaling, and meditating, and some form of exercise, and my plantar fasciitis stretches, and cleaning, and reading, and crafting, and sleep, and sex. I want or need my weeks to contain Tank and work and therapies, classes when I can, concerts and movies and trashy tv and thai food and all the people I miss.
And I want to find ways to remember the larger goals, of figuring out a sleeve tattoo for at least my lower left arm, of learning another language, of getting a dishwasher and a garbage disposal, of going places I can snorkel, of learning to bike commute to Delight's at the very least, of all of the kink conventions, of learning how to be and how to be happy and how to keep growing and how to keep learning and how to do all the things.
and sometimes I just want to sign all my letters *f(l)ail*
I'm feeling particularly like I'm headed on my personal train to my personal crazy-town at the moment. I'm in St Louis, with my sister-in-law, helping her and her husband take care of my nieces while said sister-in-law recovers from her mastectomy. because she just had breast cancer and then chemo. And she's fairly blaise about talking about the whole process, and emptying her drains (while she still had them in) in front of me, and I've only had to cry a little once and managed to do it in the shower.
There's no privacy here, we sleep in a bedroom with a 6 month old, there's an absurd heat advisory on at the moment, so going out for a walk is outside the realm of possibility, since I don't actually want the privacy of passing out from heat stroke. I've been doing pretty well helping Light with the midnight and 4 am feedings, I'm absurdly happy while carrying a baby around. But i miss Abundance, and cats, and not having to sleep with clothes on, I miss my house, I miss a water quality that makes me feel like I'm actually clean after I shower.
And even before we came out here, I could feel myself clenching. We're cleaning out what was Light's game room to turn it into a room of my own, with a bed, and all my crafting things in one place, and all the politics of naming rooms are weird (technically, all the rooms are "our" rooms and the definition of our just shifts back and forth, but I want a "my" room. Part of this process involved cleaning out the game room, and we unearthed the whiteboard I had from back when one of my coping tools was to schedule myself exhaustively, to always know where I was intending to be and what I was intending to do.
And now I keep a long list of events, and share it with Light and Abundance and Delight, in case they want to accompany me,and sometimes I can soothe myself just by looking for things to add to the list, even if we don't go, to whittle away at the thoughts about what I might be missing, what I might have forgotten.
I started to brainstorm the things i wanted a day or a week to include today, and found myself making a grid where I parceled my weeks up into fifteen minute chunks, blocking out the things I knew I needed to do (Work, therapies, Tank, transit, date nights with Light and Abundance, work from home dates with Delight.
And this regimented omnia would spend her sundays working out her week, planning all the meals and preparing some, laying out her outfits, making Abundance his breakfasts and lunches, portioning out what parts of her meals could be pre-apportioned, deciding what she's reading for the week, when she'll journal, when she'll work out, what she'll read.
And we all talk about poly like it is primarily a challenge of time management, but what happens when you want to micromanage yourself into stability, and the very things that keep you(me) stable are the things that are outside my scope of management?
I want each day to contain sleep, and journaling, and meditating, and some form of exercise, and my plantar fasciitis stretches, and cleaning, and reading, and crafting, and sleep, and sex. I want or need my weeks to contain Tank and work and therapies, classes when I can, concerts and movies and trashy tv and thai food and all the people I miss.
And I want to find ways to remember the larger goals, of figuring out a sleeve tattoo for at least my lower left arm, of learning another language, of getting a dishwasher and a garbage disposal, of going places I can snorkel, of learning to bike commute to Delight's at the very least, of all of the kink conventions, of learning how to be and how to be happy and how to keep growing and how to keep learning and how to do all the things.
and sometimes I just want to sign all my letters *f(l)ail*
