once again "this shaking keeps me steady"

 I'm flustered and tired all the time, and I think I might have had a headache since sometime last week.  I finally had the bright idea to take some allergy medication yesterday, but it doesn't seem to have helped.

I keep planning things like I'm running away from something. And maybe it's serious conversations I don't want to have with Light or Abundance, or examining my unhappiness with my career, or this looming sense of having done nothing with the first 40 years of my life other than having mostly survived them.

Abundance and I were talking about aptitudes this morning, about companies who hire for personality traits and then train. I said "I just want to be good at something" and started crying.

So far April has contained
- a bad for my feet Tai Chi class with Light
- a Heather Nova convert with Abundance
- the first of four sessions of a learning Ruby class.
-editting class
-an infant CPR class with Delight
-a The Sea The Sea concert with Abundance
-one day of PAX East with Abundance and Light
-volunteering for Foodbetter
-an amazing Emily Nagoski talk at Good Vibes with Abundance and Light
-individual therapy and couples therapy, a new pcp, two visits to an obgyn, and taking Light to the ER three times (he's fine, everything's okay now)
-Ibabysitting for Mech's kid, and driving out to Media's fancy suburban town to hang out with him and my other two nephews
-a lecture about avatars and biases with Abundance
-going to Abundance's boss's house for dinner

Tonight, I go to a performance of Arcadia with Light, Abundance and Delight.  Tomorrow I hope to go to Harvard Bookstore's after hours, boo shopping by flashlight event, and then Sunday Abundance's friend's birthday.

I know I'm pushing myself too hard, even though I still manage to bail on things (and feel like a failure every time I do).  I have this huge list of things I'm not doing, books and articles I'm not reading, friends I'm not seeing, crafts I'm not doing, emails I'm not writing, jobs I'm not applying for, house, chores I haven't done, art I haven't hung, work I'm behind on, homework I haven't done.

So basically, all the things, all the feels, no narrative thread.  Lather, rinse, repeat.