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Apr. 15th, 2016 09:42 am So, I just finished reading _Sex from Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules_.
And there's so much fucking food for thought.
There's a section about being single. I've never been sober and single. I'm not even really sure how much of my twenties I wasn't technically dating someone or in an intense non-sexual relationship with someone. So maybe I've never been single. Maybe I missed some critical developmental step in finding out what I want. I hate the idea that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, but maybe I hate it because I've never mastered it. I've grown enough that I no longer think less of someone for wanting to be in a relationship with me, but I have not yet mastered being my own superhero.
There's a section about building feminist relationships, and the bit that hit really hard was about taking up as much space as I want. Which feels a little glib, because I don't understand the process of figuring out how much space I want to take up. And it's full of literal things, feeling embarrassed and ashamed of the thigh-touch that inevitably happens on the bus because I am a woman of broad hips. But I also think I want too much all the time, I feel like I want too much from everyone, too much attention, too much energy, too much reassurance, too much commitment, too much focus, too much memory, too many processing cycles. My therapist and I talk about why this, what childhood messages I internalized, if I'm willing to try to stop believing that. So far, I don't know how to, but i'm a work in progress.
There's a section about navigating nonmonogamy, which I feel like I'm failing at six ways from sunday. I am passionately devoted, in different ways, to Light, Abundance and Delight. But I'm terrified I won't survive Abundance or Light dating, or more precisely, my relationships with them won't. I don't even know if I want them to date, but i want them to be happy. But I also want to feel safe. And I know stagnation isn't good, I want to move forward, I want to grow, but I'm so scared that my brain seizes up, I panic,
There's a section on gender, on remaining childless, about opting not to marry, about knowing when to end relationships and how to do so. And I'm sort of stewing in all of it, but also watching stupid youtube videos with Delight. So you know, it's a Friday.
And there's so much fucking food for thought.
There's a section about being single. I've never been sober and single. I'm not even really sure how much of my twenties I wasn't technically dating someone or in an intense non-sexual relationship with someone. So maybe I've never been single. Maybe I missed some critical developmental step in finding out what I want. I hate the idea that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, but maybe I hate it because I've never mastered it. I've grown enough that I no longer think less of someone for wanting to be in a relationship with me, but I have not yet mastered being my own superhero.
There's a section about building feminist relationships, and the bit that hit really hard was about taking up as much space as I want. Which feels a little glib, because I don't understand the process of figuring out how much space I want to take up. And it's full of literal things, feeling embarrassed and ashamed of the thigh-touch that inevitably happens on the bus because I am a woman of broad hips. But I also think I want too much all the time, I feel like I want too much from everyone, too much attention, too much energy, too much reassurance, too much commitment, too much focus, too much memory, too many processing cycles. My therapist and I talk about why this, what childhood messages I internalized, if I'm willing to try to stop believing that. So far, I don't know how to, but i'm a work in progress.
There's a section about navigating nonmonogamy, which I feel like I'm failing at six ways from sunday. I am passionately devoted, in different ways, to Light, Abundance and Delight. But I'm terrified I won't survive Abundance or Light dating, or more precisely, my relationships with them won't. I don't even know if I want them to date, but i want them to be happy. But I also want to feel safe. And I know stagnation isn't good, I want to move forward, I want to grow, but I'm so scared that my brain seizes up, I panic,
There's a section on gender, on remaining childless, about opting not to marry, about knowing when to end relationships and how to do so. And I'm sort of stewing in all of it, but also watching stupid youtube videos with Delight. So you know, it's a Friday.
