"in such a state with so far still to go"

 There are a few disadvantages to having editing class half an hour after therapy. My face aches, my brain starts trying to figure out exactly what it was I was crying about,  There's an edge of unreality talking about em dashes after I've been sobbing inconsolably about how lost I feel for fifty minutes.

I'm feeling alienated of late, like I'm missing person-cues left and right.  I want to make plans with people, but end up flustered and tired by trying to figure out what to say, and i never want to leave the house and I never want people to see my house as it is now, I want to feed people but never want to cook.  

Sometimes, there's this person I want to be and I can almost put the distance between me and her into words but most of the time, I'm lost and flailing. I know I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is. My therapist asks me who I talk to  about this stuff and gently asks if the running away fantasies I'm having are actually thinly veiled suicidal thoughts.  And I don't believe they are, I just want to go away from everything that would expect me to function.

But all three pieces of clothing I bought from blame betty are fabulous and fit, and I bought myself a Dreamz to go Octo, who will shine lights in the shapes of stars and fish on the ceiling.  Maybe everything will seem better after I see Tank tomorrow.