(no subject)

Day two:

Sometimes, I go back and look at earlier parts of my livejournal.    It depends on mood, whether I go all the way back, or some midpoint.  And sometimes it makes me sick to see the cycles, to read something and know that I was headed for another brick wall, another barren landscape of depression and self-hatred, and sometimes I see things that I said that meant something then and still mean something now.

said almost four years ago: "I can't have all the things I crave. I can't be calm for a little while, and I need to just inhabit this anxiety and ride it. I told X that I was afraid my own sanity was a tiger I was riding, and that I lived in fear of falling off. But maybe that's a flawed image, or maybe the tiger doesn't actually care for the taste of me. I can't find or force the connections I want. Old Ani albums, tea, a book about curtains. Maybe this time around, I'll pick up the trick of self-soothing. Or at least get a giant tattoo."

Also, I found this fascinating meme, and only a few of my answers have changed in three years.
 
If I were a month, I'd be October
If I were a day of the week, I'd be Tuesday
If I were a time of day, I'd be 6pm
If I were a planet, I'd be Pluto (new answer: Neptune)
If I were a animal, I'd be an koala bear (new answer: norwegian forest cat)
If I were a direction, I'd be northnortheast
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be an end table
If I were a liquid, I'd be ginger beer
If I were a gemstone, I'd be a garnet
If I were a tree, I'd be a conifer
If I were a tool, I'd be the wrong size hex key
If I were a flower, I'd be an iris
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be fog
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a mandolin
If I were a color, I’d be dusty purple
If I were an emotion, I'd be smug with a tinge of regret
If I were a fruit, I'd be a fig
If I were a sound, I'd be a purr
If I were an element, I'd be earth
If I were an element, I'd be lead
If I were a car, I'd be electric
If I were a food, I'd be honey
If I were a place, I'd be a beach
If I were a material, I'd be widewaled corduroy
If I were a taste, I'd be bitter
If I were a scent, I'd be dusty books (new answer: hard to come up with.  leaf mold or cookies baking or ToykoMilk's Eden)