"I'm a chipper cheerful free for all"

I've been mostly assuming things will eventually get easier.  and then some days, I'm afraid they won't. 

There's been so much proof over the past few months that I have no idea what I'm doing.  And I know I've always been bad at evaluating my worth to other people, but I'm not sure I've failed before by over-estimating the esteem someone holds me in.   And I am not nothing to him, I know that, neither of us would spend this much time and anguish.  And my therapist tells me again and again that it is not my fault, my worth has nothing to do with it, but I should have either been good enough to keep this from happening, smart enough to know it was going to happen or resilient enough to deal with it happening.
 

Light is unwell, I'm going to consume my own bodyweight in anything that hints that it might keep me from getting a cold, but I suspect it may be too late.