"my heart has been throwing the gold overboard"

Day six.   Listening to this song on repeat.

Either my heart is willing to sacrifice almost everything to keep this ship afloat, or maybe it's unable to tell worth from worthless anymore.  But this still feels worth so very, very much.

I've tried to explain, over and over again, that the reason I can't have nice things is because what if I like them and then they go away and I'm just left bleeding again?  And then what if that's the thing I can't heal from. the tipping point I'm so afraid of where I start crying and never stop.   And my therapist tries to explain that if I'm the one doing the nice things, I don't have to worry about them going away and I laugh, of course, and then I cry, because I am certainly not a reliable source of anything for myself.   

I keep telling myself "no, don't think that.  think some other thing instead" but I can't find any sufficiently interesting other thing.  I keep poking at the puzzle, trying to understand, trying to find new ways to think about things, trying to find some interpretation that doesn't trigger me, some way that I feel chosen and special and cherished.

I suspect I'm going to break my streak over the weekend, Abundance's presence changes all of my routines, but I'm going to try.