"And the flags are flying, you're trying out a different look"

Day five, full of fail.

I did not get to have lunch with Delight and completely failed to leave my couch in order to go over to Amazing's.  Really, today I've mostly managed to do some laundry, go to the dentist, and sob a lot.  I'm now eating oatmeal and pumpkin flavored tortilla chips for dinner.     I'm trying to do some comfort reading, it's not really working, I can't focus enough to do code homework, I'm instead playing KoL, and staring into space trying to talk myself out of imagining ever more spectacular disasters, all the bangs or the whimpers things could end with.

I mostly don't want to tell the whole sordid story yet here on the internet, a thing happened, I'm trying to work it out, I don't know how, I don't know what resources to use, I don't know who to talk to (if anyone) I only understand half of the things I'm feeling.    (my therapist is almost unseemingly interested in how much deep deep trauma this is all accessing, so I get to talk a lot about wanting to be good enough, wanting to be worth something and feeling like I'm not, and like I'm an idiot for wanting anything in the first place.)   I have this sick tight feeling in my chest almost all the time, I cry all the time (I was going to say at the drop of a hat, but it's not hats we're dropping here, it's kettlebells and grand pianos).

I had a really lovely skype breakfast date with Abundance.  We talked about tarot, watched an episode of adventure time together, I ate pumpkin-cranberry-apple bread from when pigs fly with apple butter on it, and drank my magical limited edition coffee cake tea from David's Tea.   Light's present came in the mail, I watched Pontypool.    I remember Bespoke telling me it was never the lyric I posted, but the line it implied, and I smile because it's more than half-true.   My dogwalker asked if Moppet could be in a photoshoot for her revised dogwalking website.

I have to find a nursery rhyme to make a booklet out of for letterpress class. I'm tempted to find something dark, or go for the "monday's child is fair of face" because it's always entertained me that I am a Sunday's child.  but I keep coming back to counting rhymes about crows.

One for sadness, two for mirth
Three for a wedding, four for a birth
Five for laughing, six for crying
Seven for sickness, eight for dying
Nine for silver, ten for gold
Eleven a secret that will never be told.