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"Forget your perfect offering"
Jun. 21st, 2014 01:17 pmDay Eleven
I just confessed to Light how insecure techie girls make me feel. And while I know jealousy is tied up with insecurity, I think this is more than that, it's the same thing that taps into the only having a bachelors, only having a part time job, anything else that I can say "only" in front of. As if I was less fragile, more focused, better, I'd be involved in the conversations, I'd be making the money. And when I imagine either him or Abundanec dating, it's not that I imagine they want someone in addition to me, it's that they're searching for someone like me, but better. And it plays so weirdly in to trust, because I do trust Light, I do trust Abundance, that they know their own minds, that they're not the kind of people who would use me as a placeholder until something better comes along. And I want that to be enough, that to be a thing that silences the voices. My insecurity doesn't make me a better judge of them than they are of themselves, it doesn't make liars out of them, it doesn't render me omniscient. It just feels like it does some days.
I used to say that I had perfect faith in people I loved, with one exception, that I never would believe my own importance to someone, and so I'd try like hell never to put myself in a position where someone had to choose between me and someone else, because I knew the answer but I didn't want the proof. and the damage I'm carrying around is almost entirely from less nuanced times, why do I keep trying to make it relevant to current situations?
In other news, I'm making great progress on Mech's baby-to-be's cross-stitch, I've become fascinated with browsing architectural salvage and I am so freaking tired of sitting around with my foot up, and showering sitting down.
I want a project. I want the focus for a project. (as I say this, Intention introduces me to knolling)
Also, I want to talk about the amazingness of Delight and standing dates and blushing and giggling and wearing the same shirt to breakfast that I did all that time ago when we went out to Elephant Walk and how now the waiter at Friendly Toast knows our tea order.
I just confessed to Light how insecure techie girls make me feel. And while I know jealousy is tied up with insecurity, I think this is more than that, it's the same thing that taps into the only having a bachelors, only having a part time job, anything else that I can say "only" in front of. As if I was less fragile, more focused, better, I'd be involved in the conversations, I'd be making the money. And when I imagine either him or Abundanec dating, it's not that I imagine they want someone in addition to me, it's that they're searching for someone like me, but better. And it plays so weirdly in to trust, because I do trust Light, I do trust Abundance, that they know their own minds, that they're not the kind of people who would use me as a placeholder until something better comes along. And I want that to be enough, that to be a thing that silences the voices. My insecurity doesn't make me a better judge of them than they are of themselves, it doesn't make liars out of them, it doesn't render me omniscient. It just feels like it does some days.
I used to say that I had perfect faith in people I loved, with one exception, that I never would believe my own importance to someone, and so I'd try like hell never to put myself in a position where someone had to choose between me and someone else, because I knew the answer but I didn't want the proof. and the damage I'm carrying around is almost entirely from less nuanced times, why do I keep trying to make it relevant to current situations?
In other news, I'm making great progress on Mech's baby-to-be's cross-stitch, I've become fascinated with browsing architectural salvage and I am so freaking tired of sitting around with my foot up, and showering sitting down.
I want a project. I want the focus for a project. (as I say this, Intention introduces me to knolling)
Also, I want to talk about the amazingness of Delight and standing dates and blushing and giggling and wearing the same shirt to breakfast that I did all that time ago when we went out to Elephant Walk and how now the waiter at Friendly Toast knows our tea order.
