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"make me a ruby / hold me up to the sun"
Jan. 26th, 2014 08:35 pmSo much to say, and no structure to hang it on.
I had the best birthday I've had in a very long time. Light and Abundance showered me with attention for three whole days and I loved it. But...I'm also concerned if I got used to it, I'd somehow turn into a bad, selfish person. But it was also liberating to just say "I'm definitely not going to beat myself up about not going to Arisia" and not re-examine that at all over the long weekend.
Also, when examining the past five years of birthday the list, in reverse order, goes
2013 - my cat dies
2012 - still on the mend from the last of my reconstructive surgeries
2011 - worked arisia, basically ignored my birthday
2010 - still in the throes of a major depression after Asshat dumped me the day after Thanksgiving.
2009 - got the BRCA diagnosis.
I was so, so touched when Light thanked Abundance for visiting, because it made the birthday that much more awesome.
I thought I was ready to do a thing, but I might have to approach it sideways, or through some sort of aversion therapy. I want to find an artist to work with me to decorate my stunt boobs, but I also have about twenty minutes of research in me before I just start to cry.
I've read and cooked a handful of things this month, but want to try to post about it at the end of this week.
I didn't run for the Readercon board this year, on purpose, and part of me is all proud, because I did a thing I think will make me a less anxious person, but part of me is still concerned I'm doing the wrong thing. I'd like to think I'm narrowing my scope because I do want to focus more energy on being happy and figuring out what makes me happy and less on being of use, being necessary.
I've ordered tins to organize my tea collection, I've decided to cook my way through one of the cookbooks I got for holidays, I want to make plans to dtravel to see Wings and Girlbiscuit. We've set our guestroom up with an actual bed and it works so much better than I expected. Tanning, whose new name here will be Skitterypoof remains an adorable and, you guessed it, poofy kitten.
Things are good even when I don't feel good. Why is this so hard to remember?
I had the best birthday I've had in a very long time. Light and Abundance showered me with attention for three whole days and I loved it. But...I'm also concerned if I got used to it, I'd somehow turn into a bad, selfish person. But it was also liberating to just say "I'm definitely not going to beat myself up about not going to Arisia" and not re-examine that at all over the long weekend.
Also, when examining the past five years of birthday the list, in reverse order, goes
2013 - my cat dies
2012 - still on the mend from the last of my reconstructive surgeries
2011 - worked arisia, basically ignored my birthday
2010 - still in the throes of a major depression after Asshat dumped me the day after Thanksgiving.
2009 - got the BRCA diagnosis.
I was so, so touched when Light thanked Abundance for visiting, because it made the birthday that much more awesome.
I thought I was ready to do a thing, but I might have to approach it sideways, or through some sort of aversion therapy. I want to find an artist to work with me to decorate my stunt boobs, but I also have about twenty minutes of research in me before I just start to cry.
I've read and cooked a handful of things this month, but want to try to post about it at the end of this week.
I didn't run for the Readercon board this year, on purpose, and part of me is all proud, because I did a thing I think will make me a less anxious person, but part of me is still concerned I'm doing the wrong thing. I'd like to think I'm narrowing my scope because I do want to focus more energy on being happy and figuring out what makes me happy and less on being of use, being necessary.
I've ordered tins to organize my tea collection, I've decided to cook my way through one of the cookbooks I got for holidays, I want to make plans to dtravel to see Wings and Girlbiscuit. We've set our guestroom up with an actual bed and it works so much better than I expected. Tanning, whose new name here will be Skitterypoof remains an adorable and, you guessed it, poofy kitten.
Things are good even when I don't feel good. Why is this so hard to remember?
