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and it's totally oppressing me, but not with anything like cathedral tunes. No, this slant of light renders me both aware of every speck of dust in the house and completely unable to assume my usual position on the couch. There's a solution to this and that solution is window treatments. And yet, I still haven't bought any, so this daily irritation becomes another tool with which to beat myself up.
I want 2014 to have more of things, to be fuller of things. But I want one of those things to be self-care. I want it to be okay to miss out on exciting things because I need some quiet time with no one but Light and the beasts, even if I've made plans with people, even if I've bought the tickets.
Mostly, I want to teach myself that it's okay to try things and have them not work out, that it's okay to spend time and money and emotional stamina on something I don't know will work. It might work, and that might be awesome, but it might not work and that's okay, I can dust myself off and try the next thing, because my list is ohsolong of things I want to do and learn and read and make.
And maybe even try to learn this about people. I try not to ask for things (whether or not I succeed is another essay altogether), because I don't think I can handle hearing no. And since I try to act on the premise that I don't ask any question that I don't actually want to know the answer to, and I assume I'll crumble if I hear no, I don't ask. Maybe it's time to put a little more faith in my resilience and my support system, maybe it's time to remember that each friendship isn't the last friendship I'll ever have the opportunity to make, I don't have to accept only what I'm given. That seems to have gone dark, which wasn't the intention.
Two years ago, instead of doing the meme where I pulled the first line of the first post of every month of the year, I instead pulled all the things I'd said that felt fierce. One year ago, my Funnyface was in the process of dying and that was the only thing I could talk about. So, when I went back to last January to start finding fierce things, it was pretty much lemon juice in the wound and I promptly stopped reading. So, no summaries. It was a year, I lost some things, I gained some things.
I am, however going to quote myself from January of 2012. "I'm going to make beauty out of this, dammit. Any part of the universe not on board with this plan can go screw. " Still true, though I'd like to modify it to "continue to make beauty"
Resolved: Do more things, but internalize the idea that things doesn't only mean occasions that take place outside the house or with other people.
Resolved: become ever awesomer with each passing year.
I want 2014 to have more of things, to be fuller of things. But I want one of those things to be self-care. I want it to be okay to miss out on exciting things because I need some quiet time with no one but Light and the beasts, even if I've made plans with people, even if I've bought the tickets.
Mostly, I want to teach myself that it's okay to try things and have them not work out, that it's okay to spend time and money and emotional stamina on something I don't know will work. It might work, and that might be awesome, but it might not work and that's okay, I can dust myself off and try the next thing, because my list is ohsolong of things I want to do and learn and read and make.
And maybe even try to learn this about people. I try not to ask for things (whether or not I succeed is another essay altogether), because I don't think I can handle hearing no. And since I try to act on the premise that I don't ask any question that I don't actually want to know the answer to, and I assume I'll crumble if I hear no, I don't ask. Maybe it's time to put a little more faith in my resilience and my support system, maybe it's time to remember that each friendship isn't the last friendship I'll ever have the opportunity to make, I don't have to accept only what I'm given. That seems to have gone dark, which wasn't the intention.
Two years ago, instead of doing the meme where I pulled the first line of the first post of every month of the year, I instead pulled all the things I'd said that felt fierce. One year ago, my Funnyface was in the process of dying and that was the only thing I could talk about. So, when I went back to last January to start finding fierce things, it was pretty much lemon juice in the wound and I promptly stopped reading. So, no summaries. It was a year, I lost some things, I gained some things.
I am, however going to quote myself from January of 2012. "I'm going to make beauty out of this, dammit. Any part of the universe not on board with this plan can go screw. " Still true, though I'd like to modify it to "continue to make beauty"
Resolved: Do more things, but internalize the idea that things doesn't only mean occasions that take place outside the house or with other people.
Resolved: become ever awesomer with each passing year.
