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"That’s how the light gets in"
Dec. 1st, 2013 06:37 pmI haven't been posting lately, I'm not sure why, possibly it's all the cross-stitching and the grey weather and the feeling all hermity. Even though I still want things on the calendar, beads in my personal rosary, I don't know how to get them there.
Thanksgiving was awesome, even if I have weird achey feelings sometimes about wanting large, boisterous gatherings (even when I know I wouldn't enjoy them.) I want to be part of happy poly families, to be part of chosen families, to be chosen. But S&J were here, and we ate all the things and watched Pacific Rim and sat around in our pajamas. And then Abundance came down on Friday and that was wonderful as well and we got to spend forever in the basement of Harvard Bookstore, and I watched Dark City and showed him Brick.
It's odd and hard to talk about him here. Maybe it's that he maybe reads these words and I don't want to tell him things here that I 'm not 100% sure I've already told him in exactly the same words, or maybe that I'm not sure of my audience and am afraid of being judged for my poly issues, even when they're almost entirely internal and almost entirely more of the same insecurities that I keep polishing and pretending are new, when it's just the ocean throwing the same rocks at me that I've been throwing in it.
I tell myself I'll get there, I'll remember where we left this kickass (possibly mythical) Omnia is who is still wearing the emotional equivalent of combat boots, I'll find the steady place to stand where I hold onto all the awesome things twice as long as I hold onto things that make me feel broken and weak and unwelcome. There are so, so many small and large victories but I worry I only have the vocabulary to talk about the defeats and the draws.
So, here's to my amazing husband who always makes me angry water and thinks I'm hot in my boba fett hoodie, my boyfriend who says goodnight to me every single night, vegetarian friends who celebrate the holidays with us, my tortie army, maple roasted brussels sprouts, an Angel membership to passim, my navy and sparkle-painted toes, the way we pick out holiday trees, the way my nephew makes me feel so clean and real, a tea flavor called Naughty Vicar and all the details that make up this. I'm finding my way into my holiday spirit come hell or high water, and it begins now. I am grateful for the world, I am going to buy a tree as soon as it stops raining, I am buying my illumination tickets tomorrow, and I am sending out holiday cards. No one is making me feel small and worthless on purpose, and if I'm wrong and they are, fuck 'em.
Thanksgiving was awesome, even if I have weird achey feelings sometimes about wanting large, boisterous gatherings (even when I know I wouldn't enjoy them.) I want to be part of happy poly families, to be part of chosen families, to be chosen. But S&J were here, and we ate all the things and watched Pacific Rim and sat around in our pajamas. And then Abundance came down on Friday and that was wonderful as well and we got to spend forever in the basement of Harvard Bookstore, and I watched Dark City and showed him Brick.
It's odd and hard to talk about him here. Maybe it's that he maybe reads these words and I don't want to tell him things here that I 'm not 100% sure I've already told him in exactly the same words, or maybe that I'm not sure of my audience and am afraid of being judged for my poly issues, even when they're almost entirely internal and almost entirely more of the same insecurities that I keep polishing and pretending are new, when it's just the ocean throwing the same rocks at me that I've been throwing in it.
I tell myself I'll get there, I'll remember where we left this kickass (possibly mythical) Omnia is who is still wearing the emotional equivalent of combat boots, I'll find the steady place to stand where I hold onto all the awesome things twice as long as I hold onto things that make me feel broken and weak and unwelcome. There are so, so many small and large victories but I worry I only have the vocabulary to talk about the defeats and the draws.
So, here's to my amazing husband who always makes me angry water and thinks I'm hot in my boba fett hoodie, my boyfriend who says goodnight to me every single night, vegetarian friends who celebrate the holidays with us, my tortie army, maple roasted brussels sprouts, an Angel membership to passim, my navy and sparkle-painted toes, the way we pick out holiday trees, the way my nephew makes me feel so clean and real, a tea flavor called Naughty Vicar and all the details that make up this. I'm finding my way into my holiday spirit come hell or high water, and it begins now. I am grateful for the world, I am going to buy a tree as soon as it stops raining, I am buying my illumination tickets tomorrow, and I am sending out holiday cards. No one is making me feel small and worthless on purpose, and if I'm wrong and they are, fuck 'em.
