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"Ring the bells that still can ring"
Nov. 10th, 2013 05:41 pmLong time silent, longer than I thought.
Skin and Grin flew home, and coming home to an empty house is stranger and harder than I expected. To be fair to myself, the last time they left was I think in the week following coming home from my mastectomy, so my memories of just about everything except the surgical drains are pretty vague.
I'm in St Louis now, visiting Light's family, meeting my new niece. And my mother-in-law asks Light if we've considered adopting because I'm so good with kids, and Light says I'm good with them and I like them because I can give them back when I'm done, which raises my hackles, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm uncertain in my choice not to have them, or if I don't like the complex web of reasons being boiled down to that, rather than the tangled web of disinterest and genetics and my childhood and environmental concerns and not wanting to tell that particular story.
But Light tells me I'm adorable with babies, that it's sweet and rare to see me so unguarded and I want all these vast and amorphous things, families made, rather than born into, someone to read to, more people to take care of, things harder to lose than just drifting away.
I feel defenseless in front of so many things these days, and the cold and dark make me want to hibernate, make me want to bake things and send holiday cards, and lose myself in endless rounds of meaningless facebook games and YA novels. I feel as though I'm forgetting how to interact with the rest of the world, missing cues, missing steps.
But Light still amazes me daily, I'm besotted with Abundance, Skin and Grin's visit was lovely, and my new trainer continues to kick my ass with kettle-bells. Tanning continues to look more and more like a animate pompom. I got to have awesome creepier makeup. I drove all the way to the King Arthur flagship store, and am newly determined to remaster pie. Thanksgiving's just around the corner and I get to cook all the things soon and once again, I get to buy a small child all the books. I saw a hyena today at the St Louis zoo, and slid down a ten story spiral slide at the City Museum yesterday, and bought a lot of postcards at both places. Most things work themselves out.
Skin and Grin flew home, and coming home to an empty house is stranger and harder than I expected. To be fair to myself, the last time they left was I think in the week following coming home from my mastectomy, so my memories of just about everything except the surgical drains are pretty vague.
I'm in St Louis now, visiting Light's family, meeting my new niece. And my mother-in-law asks Light if we've considered adopting because I'm so good with kids, and Light says I'm good with them and I like them because I can give them back when I'm done, which raises my hackles, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm uncertain in my choice not to have them, or if I don't like the complex web of reasons being boiled down to that, rather than the tangled web of disinterest and genetics and my childhood and environmental concerns and not wanting to tell that particular story.
But Light tells me I'm adorable with babies, that it's sweet and rare to see me so unguarded and I want all these vast and amorphous things, families made, rather than born into, someone to read to, more people to take care of, things harder to lose than just drifting away.
I feel defenseless in front of so many things these days, and the cold and dark make me want to hibernate, make me want to bake things and send holiday cards, and lose myself in endless rounds of meaningless facebook games and YA novels. I feel as though I'm forgetting how to interact with the rest of the world, missing cues, missing steps.
But Light still amazes me daily, I'm besotted with Abundance, Skin and Grin's visit was lovely, and my new trainer continues to kick my ass with kettle-bells. Tanning continues to look more and more like a animate pompom. I got to have awesome creepier makeup. I drove all the way to the King Arthur flagship store, and am newly determined to remaster pie. Thanksgiving's just around the corner and I get to cook all the things soon and once again, I get to buy a small child all the books. I saw a hyena today at the St Louis zoo, and slid down a ten story spiral slide at the City Museum yesterday, and bought a lot of postcards at both places. Most things work themselves out.
