(no subject)

I haven't even seen the falls yet and Canada is awesome.  Light sprang for a hotel that is ludicrously awesome, and as soon as I return to the country, I will post a ridiculous number of pictures of exactly how awesome it is.  I imagine later tonight, I'll try to use my words for some of it.  And now we're off to adventures!

"to withstand the world, that's what it takes"

so, this vacation isn't happening in my favorite circumstances, but it's pretty amazing nonetheless.   the hotel room is killer, the bed huge and comfortable, the shower kind of unbelievably posh and just in general, very spacious and classy.    We had our inroom breakfast this morning, quiches and yogurt and crossaints and tea and coffee, and then headed out to the falls, where we went on the Maid of the Mist, which is a boat that drives into the...spray?  spume?  whatever the crashy bit when the water from the falls hits the bottom and flings itself into the air.  It's serious business, we got ponchos and were still drenched, and while I definitely knew it wasn't my ocean,  there's still a lot of water and a lot of power going on right in front of me.

Later this afternoon, we'll walk around the tacky tourist carnivally part of the town, and partake in glow in the dark golf, and maybe a mirror maze, and a ride where you get to shoot blacklight ghosts with a laser gun, and then ride on the giant ferris wheel.   And then tomorrow we'll head out for wisconsin.   which is only really three days.  I can do anything for three days.

I've been better on this trip than I expected.   Somewhere between therapy and talking a lot about self-soothing with Feste, I'm more able to ask myself "is anything bad actually happening?" and respond to being derailed, either by Light misreading directions, or 2 hours of sitting in border traffic.    

That said, I freaked out pretty hard on Feste on monday.   (i've got like three different new usenames in the pipeline for him, but two seem uncomfortably intense for all involved and the other more complicated than I really want to go).  It's interesting to be so well handled, and it's interesting to watch my suspicious side duke it out with the side that actually really believes and trusts him.   And it's extremely useful to encourage myself to sit down and say why is this upsetting rather than just a thing that is totally expected and not really a problem and what question can I ask to get the information I need to stop freaking out.  

And this time, it was in part because I assume silence means that there's something someone wants to tell me that they'd rather not tell me and it's easier just not to engage me and in part because I'm in this place where my instincts are telling me one thing and my brain is telling me another and I'd much prefer my brain to be right, but there's still a constant cat fight going on between the two.   It'll settle down, I'm almost certain, hopefully there are things I just need some more physical contact under my belt.   But I asked if there was something wrong, and he answered and while the physical contact would have helped, there was a moment where I just decided to jump and believe everything was okay when he said it was.

What the actual fuck, omnia.   This grownup shit is scary.