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"stripping down to truth and bone"
Jul. 26th, 2013 01:54 pmYesterday was a mopey day. Today is better, but still kind of off.
Maybe it's Readercon comedown. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's something else entirely. it feels like depression, but it doesn't really have that element of lasting forever, or having always been present. I scheduled a date with Feste yesterday and could barely contain my glee. I have a small spikey kitten (Tanning), and Moppet keeps trying to lick her clean. So today my head hurts and I feel fumble-tongued and I don't really like the vast majority of the world. (I called Light today after a six hour strategy, and told him I missed him even more than i usually do when I'm full of hate for people, and he chuckled and told me that was sweet in a cracked sort of way)
*after writing this, I went to Purple's house to do some readercon work and prep veggies, and got visibly madder than I have been in an exceptionally long time. Afterwards, Light told me I was a very forceful person and that my projected calm just makes it scarier when I stop being calm. I am intrigued by this, but still feel like letting anyone know I'm angry is a failure of will*
I feel busy, but I'm not sure that I actually am. But today I go babysit coolidge, and then go to a Rebecca Loebe concert, and then tomorrow I get to hang out with Delight and Mischief, and then there's a readercon debrief, and then maybe professional quality pictures of my back tattoo and then my kickstarter brunch with Melissa Ferrick, and a pamela means show, a study date with Light, a google-goes-to-canobie-lake day, a completely free of anything scheduled weekend, and then we drive to Niagra Falls and then to Wisconsin for inlaw-time. And that just takes me through to August 12th. (And then, holy crap, up to the island for the Very First alone time with Feste, which gives me such a shivery, hollowed-out (in a _very_ good way) feeling.)
I'm still pretty sure if I had to pick my biggest flaw as a partner, it would be my inability to play nice with people of the generation preceding mine. There's a small voice inside of me that says don't make waves, go to church, pretend to be outgoing, but then the rest of me, who still wears combat boots and black eyeliner, who refuses to dance for approval she doesn't think she'll ever get, puts her foot down and refuses to accept a situation in which she isn't good enough. So there's awkwardness and crying and I get crazy mean to light, and regret pretty much everything that comes out of my mouth.
I'm here at Mech and Saint's house, and Coolidge is asleep in a swingy thing. I don't have an analogy for this feeling, I'm not even I'm entirely comfortable feeling this feeling about something that as of yet has no language. But there's a huge toothless grin, and a grip on my fingers and it feels some cramped part of me opens up and I can breathe in some way I've never done before.
I'm having more thoughts about why fandom, and continuing to not come up with reasons I find compelling. There's this safety thing, which kind of feels like my baby, but there's also this sad feeling, where I feel disconnected, like I don't know how to talk to people and I'll never learn, so maybe it's time to withdraw and focus my energies elsewhere. Though I don't really know where elsewhere is. And I don't want to do things I have to be persuaded to do, I don't want to be someone who gets my sense of selfworth that way. Either the thing I'm doing is important enough to me that I don't have to endlessly reiterate why I'm doing it, or it's time to stop. Or maybe this is one of those behave-as-if situations where I have to pretend to be comfortable until I feel comfortable. And the same thing is true of Readercon that was true of Arisia, there are these amazing people, Precise and the impish librarian and her husband, that I'd love to know better, but don't know how to do that, or even if I should try/will try.
Things are happening and they're awesome and I want to cook for everyone and show off my kitten and now that the weather's actually omnia-compliant, I feel like I'm once again mostly human.
Maybe it's Readercon comedown. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's something else entirely. it feels like depression, but it doesn't really have that element of lasting forever, or having always been present. I scheduled a date with Feste yesterday and could barely contain my glee. I have a small spikey kitten (Tanning), and Moppet keeps trying to lick her clean. So today my head hurts and I feel fumble-tongued and I don't really like the vast majority of the world. (I called Light today after a six hour strategy, and told him I missed him even more than i usually do when I'm full of hate for people, and he chuckled and told me that was sweet in a cracked sort of way)
*after writing this, I went to Purple's house to do some readercon work and prep veggies, and got visibly madder than I have been in an exceptionally long time. Afterwards, Light told me I was a very forceful person and that my projected calm just makes it scarier when I stop being calm. I am intrigued by this, but still feel like letting anyone know I'm angry is a failure of will*
I feel busy, but I'm not sure that I actually am. But today I go babysit coolidge, and then go to a Rebecca Loebe concert, and then tomorrow I get to hang out with Delight and Mischief, and then there's a readercon debrief, and then maybe professional quality pictures of my back tattoo and then my kickstarter brunch with Melissa Ferrick, and a pamela means show, a study date with Light, a google-goes-to-canobie-lake day, a completely free of anything scheduled weekend, and then we drive to Niagra Falls and then to Wisconsin for inlaw-time. And that just takes me through to August 12th. (And then, holy crap, up to the island for the Very First alone time with Feste, which gives me such a shivery, hollowed-out (in a _very_ good way) feeling.)
I'm still pretty sure if I had to pick my biggest flaw as a partner, it would be my inability to play nice with people of the generation preceding mine. There's a small voice inside of me that says don't make waves, go to church, pretend to be outgoing, but then the rest of me, who still wears combat boots and black eyeliner, who refuses to dance for approval she doesn't think she'll ever get, puts her foot down and refuses to accept a situation in which she isn't good enough. So there's awkwardness and crying and I get crazy mean to light, and regret pretty much everything that comes out of my mouth.
I'm here at Mech and Saint's house, and Coolidge is asleep in a swingy thing. I don't have an analogy for this feeling, I'm not even I'm entirely comfortable feeling this feeling about something that as of yet has no language. But there's a huge toothless grin, and a grip on my fingers and it feels some cramped part of me opens up and I can breathe in some way I've never done before.
I'm having more thoughts about why fandom, and continuing to not come up with reasons I find compelling. There's this safety thing, which kind of feels like my baby, but there's also this sad feeling, where I feel disconnected, like I don't know how to talk to people and I'll never learn, so maybe it's time to withdraw and focus my energies elsewhere. Though I don't really know where elsewhere is. And I don't want to do things I have to be persuaded to do, I don't want to be someone who gets my sense of selfworth that way. Either the thing I'm doing is important enough to me that I don't have to endlessly reiterate why I'm doing it, or it's time to stop. Or maybe this is one of those behave-as-if situations where I have to pretend to be comfortable until I feel comfortable. And the same thing is true of Readercon that was true of Arisia, there are these amazing people, Precise and the impish librarian and her husband, that I'd love to know better, but don't know how to do that, or even if I should try/will try.
Things are happening and they're awesome and I want to cook for everyone and show off my kitten and now that the weather's actually omnia-compliant, I feel like I'm once again mostly human.
