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"every bell that tolls me"
Jul. 4th, 2013 11:49 amA whole lot of things happening, and I keep forgetting to write them down. Or I start to figure out how to put them to words, and then don't get them out of my head.
I have a root canal coming up. The Monday after Readercon. And the waiver I had to sign reminded me of all the things that could go wrong. But Feste and Light and everyone else reminds me just because my last root canal was the first step in a disastrous chain of events doesn't mean every root canal triggers that chain.
My little brother got married. It was adorable, he seemed very happy, they're off somewhere in Europe today. And I had this weird magical calm moment at the reception, where I thought to myself "I'm not friends with anyone in this room and that's okay." I try with my little brothers, and their spouses and my cousin and her husband, but it's not a bond I can force and I'm finally getting to a place where that's totally okay. Or at least it is for the moment. I hope to be able to babysit Coolidge lots, because at the moment he inspires this incredibly uncomplicated joy., maybe it's the vestiges of a biological clock or something else entirely. But I probably can't be friends with my family, and that's okay. They can be just family.
As for the complicated joys, I have those in spades as well. No complaints, mind you, more a small core of smugness that sits inside the anxiety.
*time passes, and I get punched in the teeth for the sentence about it being okay to not be friends with people*
I threw a party and only the people who haven't known me for very long came. I feel like there's a message to take away from this, about expectation setting/management, both mine and others, but for now I'm just going to hang out with that vomity feeling in my stomach and think self-pitying thoughts. Well, that and play the pushy game on Light's tablet. Well, that and that and look at kittens on the internet.
I had good days this week, Delight made lovely pizza, Feste said lovely things, Light was his usual amazing self, Purple and I got manicures, my house is crazy clean, it was awesome to show 1776 to people who hadn't seen it. Why do I react to disappointment with such a wailing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments? Why can't I just say, well that was not at all what I wanted and move on and either not do the thing or scale my expectations?
Delight has soothed me, we've ordered dinner from Dosa'n'Curry. I'm still upset, but in a less full-body way. Tomorrow, there will be a movie. Once it gets dark, maybe we'll go for a walk. Maybe I'll figure out where to donate all the books I'm getting rid of tomorrow and reorganize what remains. Maybe maybe maybes.
(but we will still have our amazing homemade ice cream in the freezer, my dog will still be cute, there will still be a wicked awesome boy on the internet that I'm smitten with and Light will still rub my feet.)
I have a root canal coming up. The Monday after Readercon. And the waiver I had to sign reminded me of all the things that could go wrong. But Feste and Light and everyone else reminds me just because my last root canal was the first step in a disastrous chain of events doesn't mean every root canal triggers that chain.
My little brother got married. It was adorable, he seemed very happy, they're off somewhere in Europe today. And I had this weird magical calm moment at the reception, where I thought to myself "I'm not friends with anyone in this room and that's okay." I try with my little brothers, and their spouses and my cousin and her husband, but it's not a bond I can force and I'm finally getting to a place where that's totally okay. Or at least it is for the moment. I hope to be able to babysit Coolidge lots, because at the moment he inspires this incredibly uncomplicated joy., maybe it's the vestiges of a biological clock or something else entirely. But I probably can't be friends with my family, and that's okay. They can be just family.
As for the complicated joys, I have those in spades as well. No complaints, mind you, more a small core of smugness that sits inside the anxiety.
*time passes, and I get punched in the teeth for the sentence about it being okay to not be friends with people*
I threw a party and only the people who haven't known me for very long came. I feel like there's a message to take away from this, about expectation setting/management, both mine and others, but for now I'm just going to hang out with that vomity feeling in my stomach and think self-pitying thoughts. Well, that and play the pushy game on Light's tablet. Well, that and that and look at kittens on the internet.
I had good days this week, Delight made lovely pizza, Feste said lovely things, Light was his usual amazing self, Purple and I got manicures, my house is crazy clean, it was awesome to show 1776 to people who hadn't seen it. Why do I react to disappointment with such a wailing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments? Why can't I just say, well that was not at all what I wanted and move on and either not do the thing or scale my expectations?
Delight has soothed me, we've ordered dinner from Dosa'n'Curry. I'm still upset, but in a less full-body way. Tomorrow, there will be a movie. Once it gets dark, maybe we'll go for a walk. Maybe I'll figure out where to donate all the books I'm getting rid of tomorrow and reorganize what remains. Maybe maybe maybes.
(but we will still have our amazing homemade ice cream in the freezer, my dog will still be cute, there will still be a wicked awesome boy on the internet that I'm smitten with and Light will still rub my feet.)
