"I think I can see how you're pinned"

MOPE.  Mope Mope Mope Mope.  mopemopemope.
 

I keep getting hit with these waves of loneliness at work.  And as soon as I start to feel desperate, I pretty much refuse to let myself do anything about it, for fear of looking desperate.  (which is another set of problems entirely, about thinking that my vulnerable bits repel other people)
 

Some days, I have a lot of online company, and sometimes that's actually a pretty good addition to my work flow.   I'm not going to say I'm better at working without distractions than I am with distractions, but the days seem less interminable. (I still tell myself that since it's part time work, I can't be dissatisfied in any way by it.  Turns out, that doesn't actually work.) 

I want to be a person who goes to the volunteer shindig tonight without requiring company to do so, but I apparently don't want to be that person enough to force myself through the discomfort/distress.  I might have fun if I went, but I know I'd be miserable in the ramp up to going there, and at least the first half hour of being there if not the whole night, so the certainty outweighs the possibility and I stay home and pout about what I should be doing.
 

There's this huge lump of inertia that lives behind my breastbone, where I want my interactions with other people to be managed.  I don't think it's that I want to be sought out, I just want to stop seeking.  I want someone to tell me where to go, and be there when I get there, and to be good at all the things I'm not good at (like making myself relax, or starting conversations, or assuming the right to take up space) until I settle enough to be good at them.  And wanting another person to do these things for me and wanting to be the person who can do them for herself fight it out.
 

Instead, I'm going to the gym and then to my house where I will read a very silly YA book.   First, however, I'm going to stop listening to Leonard Cohen covers.