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"Hanging with the raisin girls"
Apr. 18th, 2013 09:42 pmA place I volunteer for asked me for more of a commitment than I'm currently giving them. Basically, now, I go in for about four hours a week and do almost nothing but alphabetize and file. And it's nice, and the people(person) I interact with is sweet and adorable. What they want me to upgrade to is 8 hours a week, with actual responsibility doing an important business function.
And I want to say yes. I want to hit the approval button, I know it'll make me feel good in the short term. I'm a sucker for "you're our only hope obi-wan", and for doing things that I think I might be able to do better than they're currently be done. But I also want to think about this. There's no particular benefit I'd receive from the added commitment (a membership doesn't really offer me anything I'd use). I don't have a personal loyalty to anyone in the organization. And maybe I don't want to add other things that stress me out into my life. how much weight do I give to the smug satisfaction of being the kind of person who does this? what do I want to learn from my experience with Arisia?
I wonder who I want to be, and how I want to get there. If I'm letting go of some of my damage, if I don't 100% believe anymore that the point of my life is to try to make as little fuss as possible, if I don't believe that not existing is the prize I get for managing to exist for long enough, what do I believe? Can I arrive at a goal statement by process of elimination?
But, a better option for the evening than feeling sorry for myself has presented itself, so I'm off to play Cards against Humanity. So there, world. So there.
And I want to say yes. I want to hit the approval button, I know it'll make me feel good in the short term. I'm a sucker for "you're our only hope obi-wan", and for doing things that I think I might be able to do better than they're currently be done. But I also want to think about this. There's no particular benefit I'd receive from the added commitment (a membership doesn't really offer me anything I'd use). I don't have a personal loyalty to anyone in the organization. And maybe I don't want to add other things that stress me out into my life. how much weight do I give to the smug satisfaction of being the kind of person who does this? what do I want to learn from my experience with Arisia?
I wonder who I want to be, and how I want to get there. If I'm letting go of some of my damage, if I don't 100% believe anymore that the point of my life is to try to make as little fuss as possible, if I don't believe that not existing is the prize I get for managing to exist for long enough, what do I believe? Can I arrive at a goal statement by process of elimination?
But, a better option for the evening than feeling sorry for myself has presented itself, so I'm off to play Cards against Humanity. So there, world. So there.
