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"thorns without the rose"
Apr. 16th, 2013 09:56 pmI had to go to a work meeting today, at Sweet Cheeks, where I ate disappointing sides (though the biscuits were amazing) and instead of the meeting I thought was going to take place, it ended up being a lot of talk about the marathon, and speculating about what the response is going to be and a really, really odd conversation about privacy. And I had that same feeling that I had at the bridal shower, of being frozen in headlights, completely incapable of remembering how to make idle chitchat, trapped in some weird way that is both immediate and existential at once.
I tried talking about sex with my therapist, for the first time pretty much ever. It didn't turn out so well, and I can't tell why. I'd like to think I'm pretty good at talking about my sex life, but I don't think I've entirely thought through some of the philosophy behind my kink. I still have some superstitions that include not wanting to look at things that make me happy, for fear of making them skitter away, fear that I can either know how they work, or experience them but never both.
I joke about having been raised by emotional wolves, I tell my therapist that I hate feeling like I'm begging for scraps of attention, that I prefer walking away to trying to negotiate from a weaker position, that I probably choose people going through crises because I can relax more when I think I can tell what someone wants from me. And yet I want to be able to take what I get, and be fine with it, to be cheerful about the bits of connections I do get, and be able to let it go when life and work get in the way of making plans, to be confident enough to extend an invitation multiple times, but clever enough to know when my attention is unwanted
Light's off at a cello lesson. Next week, I'll be also taking a CCAE class at the same time, but mine will be about basic astronomy. The extremely boring baked pasta dish for Community Cooks is cooling on the stovetop. I've finally been able to make concrete plans to go see Coolidge this weekend. There's an awesome-looking piece of programming going on at the cambridge science festival on Saturday. Feste's reaction to our dog is still making me smile, three days later, and next week, Delight comes over for snuggles.
I tried talking about sex with my therapist, for the first time pretty much ever. It didn't turn out so well, and I can't tell why. I'd like to think I'm pretty good at talking about my sex life, but I don't think I've entirely thought through some of the philosophy behind my kink. I still have some superstitions that include not wanting to look at things that make me happy, for fear of making them skitter away, fear that I can either know how they work, or experience them but never both.
I joke about having been raised by emotional wolves, I tell my therapist that I hate feeling like I'm begging for scraps of attention, that I prefer walking away to trying to negotiate from a weaker position, that I probably choose people going through crises because I can relax more when I think I can tell what someone wants from me. And yet I want to be able to take what I get, and be fine with it, to be cheerful about the bits of connections I do get, and be able to let it go when life and work get in the way of making plans, to be confident enough to extend an invitation multiple times, but clever enough to know when my attention is unwanted
Light's off at a cello lesson. Next week, I'll be also taking a CCAE class at the same time, but mine will be about basic astronomy. The extremely boring baked pasta dish for Community Cooks is cooling on the stovetop. I've finally been able to make concrete plans to go see Coolidge this weekend. There's an awesome-looking piece of programming going on at the cambridge science festival on Saturday. Feste's reaction to our dog is still making me smile, three days later, and next week, Delight comes over for snuggles.
