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Jan. 3rd, 2013 10:41 pmThree days into 2013. Funnyface is down to 4 pounds, 4 ounces, and in the ICU at vet hospital. Saint's in the hospital for baby-related observation and my cell phone's screen died, so if you want to call or text me, that's not going to work until at least next Tuesday, maybe later. Call Light if it's urgent, or email or chat with me if those mediums work.
The vet said if we hadn't brought Funnyface in today, she probably would have died. And I keep trying to put words to why I'm so upset. I want to say all the over the top things, like I can't bear to lose her, but I can and it's not going to be losing, I'm going to know exactly where she's gone. I'm doing the best I can by her, I think, and for all that I am making myself miserable wondering if I'd done something earlier, could I have changed things, I can't go back in time and do or undo anything.
But I don't know how I'm going to do this. I want to fall apart, to hide, to cancel everything that's going to happen in the next couple months, maybe longer. I want to go to sleep and wake up to a world where she's going to be healthy and live forever. I believe the last, best thing I can do for her when it's time is to give her as good a death as possible, and I know eventually I have to decide what that means.
For now, it means I'm extremely upset with the world and unlikely to have proportionate or useful responses to anything.
The vet said if we hadn't brought Funnyface in today, she probably would have died. And I keep trying to put words to why I'm so upset. I want to say all the over the top things, like I can't bear to lose her, but I can and it's not going to be losing, I'm going to know exactly where she's gone. I'm doing the best I can by her, I think, and for all that I am making myself miserable wondering if I'd done something earlier, could I have changed things, I can't go back in time and do or undo anything.
But I don't know how I'm going to do this. I want to fall apart, to hide, to cancel everything that's going to happen in the next couple months, maybe longer. I want to go to sleep and wake up to a world where she's going to be healthy and live forever. I believe the last, best thing I can do for her when it's time is to give her as good a death as possible, and I know eventually I have to decide what that means.
For now, it means I'm extremely upset with the world and unlikely to have proportionate or useful responses to anything.
