"and now I know that a life can be built from this"

Feeling off this evening. Somewhere between anxious and exhausted and some other word that also has an x in it. I had thought that today was going to be my very last oncologist visit, but that isn't true, they'll still want me in every year just to check.

I spend a lot of time invalidating my own hurt. Sure, I can't really look in a mirror, but I don't have cancer. If I was better, I'd be able to live with the consequences of my choices, because it might have been the best of a bad lot of decisions, but it was also more decision than a lot of people get. It's my own fault I'm sad, and it's my own fault that I can't find a way to get comfortable, become content.

My therapist, my oncologist, my meds doctor all tell me to let myself grieve, that I have lost something, and for the life of me, I can't get the image of giving my boobs a viking funeral out of my head. Out to sea, on a little raft, on fire.

Something's percolating that hasn't risen to the surface yet, and I wish the damn thing would just come up already. I can see the shape of it under the water, like a shark passing under a boat in a disaster movie. It's something about family, and about looking for things outside of me that I need to find inside, and how to figure out what to keep and what to let go.

I have a wonderful bathtub here, with jets and everything. But our hot water tank isn't quite large enough to heat water for an entire bath, much less top it off or take a shower afterwards. And it's almost worse that it's slightly off than if it didn't exist at all, but that's not really true. I might just be drawn to the symmetry of the thing. I've always had a bit of a narrative kink, wanted to trade the sitcom sensibility for something a little more elegant.

I want to stay home and lick my wounds, I want to go have adventures, do all the gloriously nerdy things living in a city offers me the opportunity to do, meet fascinating new people and listen to their stories, be comfortable with the people who are already here. But mostly right now, I want to read all the books.

"and now I know that a life can be built from this"

Feeling off this evening. Somewhere between anxious and exhausted and some other word that also has an x in it. I had thought that today was going to be my very last oncologist visit, but that isn't true, they'll still want me in every year just to check.

I spend a lot of time invalidating my own hurt. Sure, I can't really look in a mirror, but I don't have cancer. If I was better, I'd be able to live with the consequences of my choices, because it might have been the best of a bad lot of decisions, but it was also more decision than a lot of people get. It's my own fault I'm sad, and it's my own fault that I can't find a way to get comfortable, become content.

My therapist, my oncologist, my meds doctor all tell me to let myself grieve, that I have lost something, and for the life of me, I can't get the image of giving my boobs a viking funeral out of my head. Out to sea, on a little raft, on fire.

Something's percolating that hasn't risen to the surface yet, and I wish the damn thing would just come up already. I can see the shape of it under the water, like a shark passing under a boat in a disaster movie. It's something about family, and about looking for things outside of me that I need to find inside, and how to figure out what to keep and what to let go.

I have a wonderful bathtub here, with jets and everything. But our hot water tank isn't quite large enough to heat water for an entire bath, much less top it off or take a shower afterwards. And it's almost worse that it's slightly off than if it didn't exist at all, but that's not really true. I might just be drawn to the symmetry of the thing. I've always had a bit of a narrative kink, wanted to trade the sitcom sensibility for something a little more elegant.

I want to stay home and lick my wounds, I want to go have adventures, do all the gloriously nerdy things living in a city offers me the opportunity to do, meet fascinating new people and listen to their stories, be comfortable with the people who are already here. But mostly right now, I want to read all the books.