Ranting about family, how unique

I am shaking with unreasonable rage.

My relationship with my little brothers is fraught. They don't like me as much as I like them. They're also much more committed to playing happy families than I am. I like to work shit out, they like to sweep it under the rug, so there's a hell of a lot going down that just doesn't get talked about. We joke, occasionally, about estranged relatives and how we'll never be like that.

I think I want to be like that. I'm tired of trying to make plans with them, I'm tired of always feeling like the odd man out, I'm tired of wanting something they have no intention of giving. I want to be friends with them, and they want to be siblings with me.

And I've been trying to be ruthless with myself about evaluating my relationships, and make sure that I'm never in the position where I feel like I'm begging for attention, because the attention is pretty much never going to be worth the dignity I forfeit asking for it.

I proposed a plan a month ago, and sent out an email. Both brothers bought in, both SOs didn't email back. The plan was dinner next wednesday. As of today, Middlebrother's wife emailed and changed the plan, saying she had talked to youngest brother's girlfriend and we needed to change the date.

I think if she'd responded to the original email and told me week days were bad, or even at this late date, emailed me and asked me what I thought, and allowed me to be the one who continued to make the plan, rather than co-opting it and changing it, I might be more okay.

I can't explain why I'm angry. Light has no idea why I'm angry. And yet here I am, almost crying. And I think in part it's that they were in San Francisco and didn't seem to care whether or not I made it out of surgery, but instead called when it was convenient for them, the following week. They sent neither cards, nor anything else, they didn't offer to help, they in general behaved like only the most casual of acquaintances.

And I want to throw a fit. I want to yell at all of them, tell them that I'm awesome, and I care about them in a qualitatively better way than they care about me. I want to storm out of their lives, and have nothing more than strained conversations on holidays.

For most of my life, I've been at odds with my parents. And many times, I was tempted to put whatever it was down, and walk away. And I didn't, and the reason I told myself was because it would upset my little brothers and make their lives more difficult. And I cared. Much like all my childhood, I wanted to keep throwing myself on hand grenades so they didn't end up damaged. And they don't care or won't care or can't care.

If I can't have brothers, I need to figure out how to make that fine. And my chosen family rocks the house, and brings me casseroles, and makes me laugh and doesn't make me feel like I'm an inconvenience or an embarrassment.

Ranting about family, how unique

I am shaking with unreasonable rage.

My relationship with my little brothers is fraught. They don't like me as much as I like them. They're also much more committed to playing happy families than I am. I like to work shit out, they like to sweep it under the rug, so there's a hell of a lot going down that just doesn't get talked about. We joke, occasionally, about estranged relatives and how we'll never be like that.

I think I want to be like that. I'm tired of trying to make plans with them, I'm tired of always feeling like the odd man out, I'm tired of wanting something they have no intention of giving. I want to be friends with them, and they want to be siblings with me.

And I've been trying to be ruthless with myself about evaluating my relationships, and make sure that I'm never in the position where I feel like I'm begging for attention, because the attention is pretty much never going to be worth the dignity I forfeit asking for it.

I proposed a plan a month ago, and sent out an email. Both brothers bought in, both SOs didn't email back. The plan was dinner next wednesday. As of today, Middlebrother's wife emailed and changed the plan, saying she had talked to youngest brother's girlfriend and we needed to change the date.

I think if she'd responded to the original email and told me week days were bad, or even at this late date, emailed me and asked me what I thought, and allowed me to be the one who continued to make the plan, rather than co-opting it and changing it, I might be more okay.

I can't explain why I'm angry. Light has no idea why I'm angry. And yet here I am, almost crying. And I think in part it's that they were in San Francisco and didn't seem to care whether or not I made it out of surgery, but instead called when it was convenient for them, the following week. They sent neither cards, nor anything else, they didn't offer to help, they in general behaved like only the most casual of acquaintances.

And I want to throw a fit. I want to yell at all of them, tell them that I'm awesome, and I care about them in a qualitatively better way than they care about me. I want to storm out of their lives, and have nothing more than strained conversations on holidays.

For most of my life, I've been at odds with my parents. And many times, I was tempted to put whatever it was down, and walk away. And I didn't, and the reason I told myself was because it would upset my little brothers and make their lives more difficult. And I cared. Much like all my childhood, I wanted to keep throwing myself on hand grenades so they didn't end up damaged. And they don't care or won't care or can't care.

If I can't have brothers, I need to figure out how to make that fine. And my chosen family rocks the house, and brings me casseroles, and makes me laugh and doesn't make me feel like I'm an inconvenience or an embarrassment.