"a hundred miles through the desert, repenting"

I think sometimes it's helpful to remember that a lot of the things I miss about people who aren't in my life is that whatever we were to each other at the time, I might have been wrong all along, or it might have been something we could be at the time, but no longer.

It alarms me that I don't have many long-term friends. I think I've got about a five year burn rate, though it gets longer the older I get, and I intend to be old and awesome with many of my current friends. And I understand attrition, people move away, people decide they want to be someone else, people believe the thing I'm offering them isn't as valuable as some other thing they already have or thing they want.

But, I'm having my five year wedding anniversary in six weeks, and I've known Light since 1993 in one way or another. Funnyface has been with me since 1998, and I've known Chile since 1995. But I feel like the lack of high school or college friends Says Something about me.


Once, I believed everything anyone ever told me about myself. Weak, crazy, a quitter, unlovable. And I had a sneaking suspicion that I wasn't entirely real, and I made friends who would tell me who I was so I could at least keep myself tethered. And I lived out an ugly, ugly story, and I don't talk to anyone from college now, which I still believe is probably because things were too close to the surface then, and now that I'm older and wiser I can bury the crazy far enough that it doesn't drive people off.

So, I managed to keep the contradictory beliefs of being not-real and being too much to handle until very recently. Now, I believe that I exist, and that we're all trapped in our own subjectivity and it's possible the best thing we can do in life is to have meaningful connections with other people.

It doesn't hurt that I found my one true thing. Light. And I'm often a little bit afraid my trust in him is too much to be good for him. Recently, I've been very angry at him because I think that if it wasn't for his presence in my life, I wouldn't be taking these life-prolonging measures. One of the bits on Ru Paul's Drag Race is something about "if you don't love yourself how the hell you going to love anybody else" and I've never truly understood that because I know that I love Light a hell of a lot more than I love myself.

I never expected Light to be my everything. I always intended to have my own friends, my own interests, my own job, my own reading list. And I believed for a while that I could satisfy those desires while remaining monogamous. But, the level of day-to-day intimacy I want doesn't seem to be anything other people want in forums other than their relationships. So, batshitout of my mind in the first flush of menopause, I decided to try dating someone not Light. As you may expect Asshat was using me, and T and I just never really clicked. At a different time, I might have pounced Skin, but (shock!) I don't even want to look at my body, much less show it to someone else right now.

I often feel like there's some bit of me that's missing, something I lack that would make all the pieces fall into place, would either teach me to stop making bad object choices and handing my hope to people who are going to drop it or make me realize I don't actually need the approval I'm craving.

I want to be fiercer than this.

I want to believe that the world's missing out on me, that all the men and women who have played their parts and exeunt, pursued by a bear, would have been better served by staying with me.

This sensation of always begging at someone's table, this is the reason I don't go to Diesel, particularly on poly social nights, the reason I don't go to parties, why volunteering for Passim and Arisia didn't seem to bring me what I wanted, why I'm not trying to be any part of pretty much anything anymore, this pathetic puppy-dog me who I don't want most people to see.

I'm hung up on the words grace and mercy. I have a feeling I always will be.

You do not have to be good.

"a hundred miles through the desert, repenting"

I think sometimes it's helpful to remember that a lot of the things I miss about people who aren't in my life is that whatever we were to each other at the time, I might have been wrong all along, or it might have been something we could be at the time, but no longer.

It alarms me that I don't have many long-term friends. I think I've got about a five year burn rate, though it gets longer the older I get, and I intend to be old and awesome with many of my current friends. And I understand attrition, people move away, people decide they want to be someone else, people believe the thing I'm offering them isn't as valuable as some other thing they already have or thing they want.

But, I'm having my five year wedding anniversary in six weeks, and I've known Light since 1993 in one way or another. Funnyface has been with me since 1998, and I've known Chile since 1995. But I feel like the lack of high school or college friends Says Something about me.


Once, I believed everything anyone ever told me about myself. Weak, crazy, a quitter, unlovable. And I had a sneaking suspicion that I wasn't entirely real, and I made friends who would tell me who I was so I could at least keep myself tethered. And I lived out an ugly, ugly story, and I don't talk to anyone from college now, which I still believe is probably because things were too close to the surface then, and now that I'm older and wiser I can bury the crazy far enough that it doesn't drive people off.

So, I managed to keep the contradictory beliefs of being not-real and being too much to handle until very recently. Now, I believe that I exist, and that we're all trapped in our own subjectivity and it's possible the best thing we can do in life is to have meaningful connections with other people.

It doesn't hurt that I found my one true thing. Light. And I'm often a little bit afraid my trust in him is too much to be good for him. Recently, I've been very angry at him because I think that if it wasn't for his presence in my life, I wouldn't be taking these life-prolonging measures. One of the bits on Ru Paul's Drag Race is something about "if you don't love yourself how the hell you going to love anybody else" and I've never truly understood that because I know that I love Light a hell of a lot more than I love myself.

I never expected Light to be my everything. I always intended to have my own friends, my own interests, my own job, my own reading list. And I believed for a while that I could satisfy those desires while remaining monogamous. But, the level of day-to-day intimacy I want doesn't seem to be anything other people want in forums other than their relationships. So, batshitout of my mind in the first flush of menopause, I decided to try dating someone not Light. As you may expect Asshat was using me, and T and I just never really clicked. At a different time, I might have pounced Skin, but (shock!) I don't even want to look at my body, much less show it to someone else right now.

I often feel like there's some bit of me that's missing, something I lack that would make all the pieces fall into place, would either teach me to stop making bad object choices and handing my hope to people who are going to drop it or make me realize I don't actually need the approval I'm craving.

I want to be fiercer than this.

I want to believe that the world's missing out on me, that all the men and women who have played their parts and exeunt, pursued by a bear, would have been better served by staying with me.

This sensation of always begging at someone's table, this is the reason I don't go to Diesel, particularly on poly social nights, the reason I don't go to parties, why volunteering for Passim and Arisia didn't seem to bring me what I wanted, why I'm not trying to be any part of pretty much anything anymore, this pathetic puppy-dog me who I don't want most people to see.

I'm hung up on the words grace and mercy. I have a feeling I always will be.

You do not have to be good.