I'm fascinating, goddammit. I'm awesome, and the awesome people want to hang out with me.
When Asshat left, when I finally calmed down a little bit, I kept telling myself "Time brings everyone who isn't an asshole back around." Which meant that either we'd be friends again, or he was an asshole. And there are some other people who are gone, and I kind of wish them well, and I kind of know what they taught me (Hell, I'm calling one Lesson), but I kind of think that there was a better way to do things.
When I joined okcupid, there was this thrill of being able to craft something that both represented me and was attractive to at least a handful of people.
When I joined Arisia, I played up the curmudgeon, and being purple's lap dog, because I didn't want these people to have an opportunity to reject me, even if I wasn't in the market for more friends.
When I volunteered at Passim, I thought I'd meet people, or finally have a not-awkward conversation with Matt Smith.
When my little brothers and I all moved into the same state, I thought I'd finally get in on whatever special bond they shared when they all lived in San Francisco together.
I'm busy most of the time, I'm surrounded by people I love. Hell, I even get to ride the bus into work with Light and then Kumquat. I'm not alone very often, and more and more of late, when I am alone it's a relief. It's a rare week that goes by without at least a couple outings in it, and there are always more things I want to be doing, usually much more than I have energy for.
So what's going on? are out-of-hand grapes better than the ones I can reach? Am I doing some twisted version of consumerism, buying into the more-is-better? (there are times when more is better. books, melissa ferrick appearances, kissing light). Do I need to keep selling myself to believe that I'm worth something? Do I think there's a prize for collecting them all?
On charitable days, I think that I'm recognizing resonances, that the reason I'm drawn to the people I'm drawn to is that there's something there to talk about, something to learn, some whole that will be greater than its parts. On slightly-less-good days, I believe that there are always going to be holes that I'm not going to be able to fill. On the gross days, I see rejection in pretty much every move anyone makes. (there's a line in a poem that I can't find right now, I think by Thylias Moss, "otherwise, everything that moves is a wolf".
Moppet only chases the cats when they run. One of my favorite compliments was when Lesson told me I was patient like a crocodile. The moment when Vin Diesel drawls "nothing but time" is possibly the best moment in the F&F universe. I think I want to be a fixed point, rather than the wildly erratic orbit I think I'm starting to move in.
Oh, self. Sometimes I feel like I'm perpetually trying to find the sweet spot on the dial, where the temperature of the shower is just right, where the volume is loud enough but not too loud, one of the fiddly bits that's seldom completely wrong, but never quite right.
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