"Everyone here know how to fight"

I think, sometimes, I want more people in my life so I can find some way to make sure that I feel like there was any positive takeaway from Asshat whatsoever. And I know there is, there are places where I think my relationship with Light is stronger for the testing, but I'm greedy, I want more. I want additional proof. I trusted him in a way that I don't trust anyone but Light. And I was wrong to trust him, but I want it to be possible to trust people like that again.

Once, in bed, he told me he thought that it was better to have never loved at all than love and lost. I was shattered at the time, I try to imagine that each thing that I love, even when it leaves me or I leave it, betters me. I'm one of those people who usually say I wouldn't change a thing, given a chance, because I might not end up here.

Now, I kind of understand. I don't wish him dead so much as I wish him unhappened. I do hope his life is miserable and that I was the best thing that will ever happen to him, and I kind of hope he leaves the boston area, but mostly I just want him to have never been in my life at all.

Even though I can't verbalize what I think might happen, I'm still afraid seeing him, of boxy white cars that might be his. I still don't dare go to any event even vaguely involving burlesque (both his best friend and the woman he left me for are involved in the size-positive burlesque community) or even circus.

Which vexes me, because I don't like limitations, particularly ones I feel like I should be able to surpass, (though I haven't entirely reconciled myself with ironic objectification, or how privilege informs the burlesque, or any number of other things,) I still occasionally want to go to things that I consider to fall in that larger classification. He might be at the next Passim concert with a circus label, or the next time I want to try to go to live theater.
I just donated to the As You Like It kickstarter, and, well, I'm not even certain I'd dare to go, since I know Asshat donated, and I know that some subset of the community he runs in will be involved.

I swear I have enough hurdles, why do I keep throwing up more?

"Everyone here know how to fight"

I think, sometimes, I want more people in my life so I can find some way to make sure that I feel like there was any positive takeaway from Asshat whatsoever. And I know there is, there are places where I think my relationship with Light is stronger for the testing, but I'm greedy, I want more. I want additional proof. I trusted him in a way that I don't trust anyone but Light. And I was wrong to trust him, but I want it to be possible to trust people like that again.

Once, in bed, he told me he thought that it was better to have never loved at all than love and lost. I was shattered at the time, I try to imagine that each thing that I love, even when it leaves me or I leave it, betters me. I'm one of those people who usually say I wouldn't change a thing, given a chance, because I might not end up here.

Now, I kind of understand. I don't wish him dead so much as I wish him unhappened. I do hope his life is miserable and that I was the best thing that will ever happen to him, and I kind of hope he leaves the boston area, but mostly I just want him to have never been in my life at all.

Even though I can't verbalize what I think might happen, I'm still afraid seeing him, of boxy white cars that might be his. I still don't dare go to any event even vaguely involving burlesque (both his best friend and the woman he left me for are involved in the size-positive burlesque community) or even circus.

Which vexes me, because I don't like limitations, particularly ones I feel like I should be able to surpass, (though I haven't entirely reconciled myself with ironic objectification, or how privilege informs the burlesque, or any number of other things,) I still occasionally want to go to things that I consider to fall in that larger classification. He might be at the next Passim concert with a circus label, or the next time I want to try to go to live theater.
I just donated to the As You Like It kickstarter, and, well, I'm not even certain I'd dare to go, since I know Asshat donated, and I know that some subset of the community he runs in will be involved.

I swear I have enough hurdles, why do I keep throwing up more?