what to build and what to burn

I want to be found charming.

I want to be considered someone worth cultivating.

I want to figure out a way to be able to see more of the awesome things I have and less of the things out of my reach.

I want a Girlyman concert to be more important to me than my anxiety attack, Unexpected's visit more important than Bespoke's too-busy schedule, my library card more important than my messy house, that it's now less likely I'll die of breast cancer more important than being diagnosed with a unhelpful genetic mutation. Light's quality of life more important than pretty much everything else.

I want to be rewarded for my attempts to be undemanding, I want constant praise for everything I do that's hard. I want the old, stupid stories about loyalty and patience to be true.

The will
Cannot entice it, never could,
So never tries.

If presented with the option of having a fraction of what one wants, is there any way to go forward without self-deprecation? Can I say "I am worth more than this" and still be able to take whatever "this" is with equanimity? Or am I mired somewhere in the intersection of platonic ideals and postmodernism where I can neither achieve nor articulate what I want from the world?

On the other hand, Nutella berryline with strawberries, a doggie to go home to and whole passel of people who make my world a brighter place. And words like passel in my vocabulary.

what to build and what to burn

I want to be found charming.

I want to be considered someone worth cultivating.

I want to figure out a way to be able to see more of the awesome things I have and less of the things out of my reach.

I want a Girlyman concert to be more important to me than my anxiety attack, Unexpected's visit more important than Bespoke's too-busy schedule, my library card more important than my messy house, that it's now less likely I'll die of breast cancer more important than being diagnosed with a unhelpful genetic mutation. Light's quality of life more important than pretty much everything else.

I want to be rewarded for my attempts to be undemanding, I want constant praise for everything I do that's hard. I want the old, stupid stories about loyalty and patience to be true.

The will
Cannot entice it, never could,
So never tries.

If presented with the option of having a fraction of what one wants, is there any way to go forward without self-deprecation? Can I say "I am worth more than this" and still be able to take whatever "this" is with equanimity? Or am I mired somewhere in the intersection of platonic ideals and postmodernism where I can neither achieve nor articulate what I want from the world?

On the other hand, Nutella berryline with strawberries, a doggie to go home to and whole passel of people who make my world a brighter place. And words like passel in my vocabulary.