(no subject)

I've been writing the same livejournal entry for about an hour now, and much of that has been writing the first sentence and deleting it over and over again. There's this thing I want to talk about, and maybe I actually want to feel that I've communicated it to people, rather than just at them.

I have this wicked crush on someone. And I'm trying to make sure that it's a fun crush, rather than a debilitating one. And I've found them a usename, and hung that name upon the image I have in my head and while it might be more convenient for me to find a new object, someone who would fit into my life in a different way, for the moment I'll embrace all the awkwardness I'm capable of (which is quite a lot) and have abortive fits and starts of conversations on gchat and get a little squirmy when he says something vaguely complimentary. And I have this crush because I formed an impression, under circumstances where I really don't think anyone was trying to impress me in any way. And a lot of it seems to have formed under the radar, presenting itself to me fully formed with a vigor I'd equate to getting punched in the face.

And it's awesome that I get to have feelings like this, even if they don't fit comfortably, it's awesome that there are people that I still want to get to know, and it's even kind of awesome that I might be wrong about Bespoke, or other people, that there's entire worlds that I'm going to bounce off of and learn something from, because they are separate from me and inherently unknowable, (though the effort of trying to do so is something I consider one of the best possible investments of energy) (right behind trying to make Light's life awesome). And the process of turning fantasy into reality (even if the most G-rated of ways) (yes, I have g-rated thoughts) absorbs and thrills me.

And on good days, I remember this. And on good days, I remember that that's true, whether or not the world shows me indifference or affection. And I'm really trying to string more good days together.

(no subject)

I've been writing the same livejournal entry for about an hour now, and much of that has been writing the first sentence and deleting it over and over again. There's this thing I want to talk about, and maybe I actually want to feel that I've communicated it to people, rather than just at them.

I have this wicked crush on someone. And I'm trying to make sure that it's a fun crush, rather than a debilitating one. And I've found them a usename, and hung that name upon the image I have in my head and while it might be more convenient for me to find a new object, someone who would fit into my life in a different way, for the moment I'll embrace all the awkwardness I'm capable of (which is quite a lot) and have abortive fits and starts of conversations on gchat and get a little squirmy when he says something vaguely complimentary. And I have this crush because I formed an impression, under circumstances where I really don't think anyone was trying to impress me in any way. And a lot of it seems to have formed under the radar, presenting itself to me fully formed with a vigor I'd equate to getting punched in the face.

And it's awesome that I get to have feelings like this, even if they don't fit comfortably, it's awesome that there are people that I still want to get to know, and it's even kind of awesome that I might be wrong about Bespoke, or other people, that there's entire worlds that I'm going to bounce off of and learn something from, because they are separate from me and inherently unknowable, (though the effort of trying to do so is something I consider one of the best possible investments of energy) (right behind trying to make Light's life awesome). And the process of turning fantasy into reality (even if the most G-rated of ways) (yes, I have g-rated thoughts) absorbs and thrills me.

And on good days, I remember this. And on good days, I remember that that's true, whether or not the world shows me indifference or affection. And I'm really trying to string more good days together.