(no subject)

I'm acting more sociable these days, either going out and doing new things, like volunteering or free student massages, or interacting with friendships in various degrees of established, and yet I still feel like I haven't done enough, I don't have enough friendships, I haven't situated myself firmly enough in this new space.

And some of that is because I'm chasing a goal that retreats as quickly as I approach, the idea of being well-liked enough that there's some cosmic balance between the people in my past who have hated me, and the people out there currently liking me, or even just something to balance out the people who have chosen to exit stage right, bear-pursued or not.

And some of it is elusive object choices, work or life-busy people, who may or may not like me as much as I like them, but some of it is simple self-dislike, that on some deep seated level, I'm suspicious of being liked, so people who don't seem to want to have one on one time with me must be on some unfathomable level, better than the ones who do.

Arrgh on my stupid brain. I like my friends, I miss the far away ones, I appreciate the old ones and the new ones, and I'm still comfortably curmudgeonly, happy in my choice to scorn much of the world unmet. I do well enough, why am I always trying to chase another unattainable thing? Do I need rejection to be in my comfort zone, is this some leftover from a pre-Light life and the hunt for nekkidtime partners, or something else entirely? (rhetorical questions, all)

Tonight, Indian food and puppy stories, because I am a lucky woman.

(no subject)

I'm acting more sociable these days, either going out and doing new things, like volunteering or free student massages, or interacting with friendships in various degrees of established, and yet I still feel like I haven't done enough, I don't have enough friendships, I haven't situated myself firmly enough in this new space.

And some of that is because I'm chasing a goal that retreats as quickly as I approach, the idea of being well-liked enough that there's some cosmic balance between the people in my past who have hated me, and the people out there currently liking me, or even just something to balance out the people who have chosen to exit stage right, bear-pursued or not.

And some of it is elusive object choices, work or life-busy people, who may or may not like me as much as I like them, but some of it is simple self-dislike, that on some deep seated level, I'm suspicious of being liked, so people who don't seem to want to have one on one time with me must be on some unfathomable level, better than the ones who do.

Arrgh on my stupid brain. I like my friends, I miss the far away ones, I appreciate the old ones and the new ones, and I'm still comfortably curmudgeonly, happy in my choice to scorn much of the world unmet. I do well enough, why am I always trying to chase another unattainable thing? Do I need rejection to be in my comfort zone, is this some leftover from a pre-Light life and the hunt for nekkidtime partners, or something else entirely? (rhetorical questions, all)

Tonight, Indian food and puppy stories, because I am a lucky woman.