"come so far"

stuff, with probably a little nonsense.

i need someone to look at my dress and tell me it's a brilliant combination of flattering and appropriate, and doesn't actually make me look like i'm ten years older than i actually am. not that's there anything wrong with being forty, but i'm pretty sure that a wedding full of light's friends and his exwife requires dress-as-emotional-armor to get through. particularly since i'm not allowed to bring a book. blessedly, at least i'll be sitting with light for the dinner.

my crazydoc and i have decided to ease me off the effexor. which inspires a lot of mixed feelings in me, bouncing from both extremes. i think it's probably a good idea, and probably time to come off of it, but it's been a long, long time since my med levels went down, not up. i don't know if i think of myself as better, or saner, i don't know if i want to think of things in those terms. but i'm certainly calmer, and that helps.

i don't want to spend all this money on the christian painterlady, but i know we're not going to do it, and i know we're not going to ask people to help, and she's the only one that's returned calls, much less come to give a pricequote. i wish i was braver about doing things to the house, but i don't really like selfteaching, particularly not around other people, and it's startling that i've learned to cook so well, because i've usually needed books for book learning and handson for the more material-object-oriented learning.

i'm doing the fits and starts socializing again. famine, then feast. or maybe feast, we'll see how this weekend shapes up in the end. Emailing's slacked off with a couple people, but i think maybe it's time to let Lesson go back into the ground. it was neat to talk to him for a bit, i still love him in some entirely passive way, but i think maybe we've a little too much to prove to each other, still. i'm glad we never managed to get together, we might have been fabulous, but we probably would have driven each other mad, and more importantly, i wouldn't be here now.

sometimes, i feel all naked and raw here, and sometimes i feel quite shellacked, never sure who is reading and with what intent and if it matters in the end. but sometimes the naked things seems too manipulative, even if they're not intended to be, and i'm afraid of feeling like i'm forcing someone to action, or forcing's light's hand, or trying to mold people's opinions of other people, even if only a scant few of you know who i'd be talking about, and that makes me uneasy, even when i opt for intentionally cryptic phrasing, devoid of even nickname.

any feelings about future change quickly transmute into dread, some reverse philosopher's stone, gold into lead, and it sucks.

in the end, i wanted him to try harder, and i think he wanted me to forgive more quickly. maybe it was all about proofs of worth, his to me and mine to him. and either we weren't worth enough, or we reached some sort of perfect equilibrium where it was just easier to give everything up. strangely, i don't imagine him hating me, i imagine him not thinking about me, and that's almost worse, but probably better and probably more true. present does not invalidate past. really, it doesn't.

i am sometimes perversely glad that my family's power dynamics are so incredibly messed up, because it gives a certain transparency to negotiations. and i think it's weird, and sometimes wonderful but sometimes really creepy that other people don't always think of these things as something to be negotiated, but for every inch i lose in one territory, i require myself to gain in another place, and i'm warywary of taking their castoff furniture, but i think i'm owed it, and i'd like a dining room table that doesn't wobble. and light's not going home for thanksgiving, not because i asked him to stay, but because his mother told him to, and i can't find any way to phrase the sentence that doesn't look like blame, but it's not, i wouldn't have asked him, but i'm happy he's staying, and i'm hoping to make some ludicrous amount of food to accompany our tofurkey.

the way light's eyes crinkle and popcap games and pulan and watermelon and incredibly cute cats and it's cold enough to snuggle comfortably in the mornings and i think i kind of like the book i'm reading now and i get to leave work early today and maybe the dentist won't be that bad and veggies from the farm and a new shower curtain and in theory tamora pierce books in the mail to me. i can see the good, i just need to learn to give it its proper weight.

--

"come so far"

stuff, with probably a little nonsense.

i need someone to look at my dress and tell me it's a brilliant combination of flattering and appropriate, and doesn't actually make me look like i'm ten years older than i actually am. not that's there anything wrong with being forty, but i'm pretty sure that a wedding full of light's friends and his exwife requires dress-as-emotional-armor to get through. particularly since i'm not allowed to bring a book. blessedly, at least i'll be sitting with light for the dinner.

my crazydoc and i have decided to ease me off the effexor. which inspires a lot of mixed feelings in me, bouncing from both extremes. i think it's probably a good idea, and probably time to come off of it, but it's been a long, long time since my med levels went down, not up. i don't know if i think of myself as better, or saner, i don't know if i want to think of things in those terms. but i'm certainly calmer, and that helps.

i don't want to spend all this money on the christian painterlady, but i know we're not going to do it, and i know we're not going to ask people to help, and she's the only one that's returned calls, much less come to give a pricequote. i wish i was braver about doing things to the house, but i don't really like selfteaching, particularly not around other people, and it's startling that i've learned to cook so well, because i've usually needed books for book learning and handson for the more material-object-oriented learning.

i'm doing the fits and starts socializing again. famine, then feast. or maybe feast, we'll see how this weekend shapes up in the end. Emailing's slacked off with a couple people, but i think maybe it's time to let Lesson go back into the ground. it was neat to talk to him for a bit, i still love him in some entirely passive way, but i think maybe we've a little too much to prove to each other, still. i'm glad we never managed to get together, we might have been fabulous, but we probably would have driven each other mad, and more importantly, i wouldn't be here now.

sometimes, i feel all naked and raw here, and sometimes i feel quite shellacked, never sure who is reading and with what intent and if it matters in the end. but sometimes the naked things seems too manipulative, even if they're not intended to be, and i'm afraid of feeling like i'm forcing someone to action, or forcing's light's hand, or trying to mold people's opinions of other people, even if only a scant few of you know who i'd be talking about, and that makes me uneasy, even when i opt for intentionally cryptic phrasing, devoid of even nickname.

any feelings about future change quickly transmute into dread, some reverse philosopher's stone, gold into lead, and it sucks.

in the end, i wanted him to try harder, and i think he wanted me to forgive more quickly. maybe it was all about proofs of worth, his to me and mine to him. and either we weren't worth enough, or we reached some sort of perfect equilibrium where it was just easier to give everything up. strangely, i don't imagine him hating me, i imagine him not thinking about me, and that's almost worse, but probably better and probably more true. present does not invalidate past. really, it doesn't.

i am sometimes perversely glad that my family's power dynamics are so incredibly messed up, because it gives a certain transparency to negotiations. and i think it's weird, and sometimes wonderful but sometimes really creepy that other people don't always think of these things as something to be negotiated, but for every inch i lose in one territory, i require myself to gain in another place, and i'm warywary of taking their castoff furniture, but i think i'm owed it, and i'd like a dining room table that doesn't wobble. and light's not going home for thanksgiving, not because i asked him to stay, but because his mother told him to, and i can't find any way to phrase the sentence that doesn't look like blame, but it's not, i wouldn't have asked him, but i'm happy he's staying, and i'm hoping to make some ludicrous amount of food to accompany our tofurkey.

the way light's eyes crinkle and popcap games and pulan and watermelon and incredibly cute cats and it's cold enough to snuggle comfortably in the mornings and i think i kind of like the book i'm reading now and i get to leave work early today and maybe the dentist won't be that bad and veggies from the farm and a new shower curtain and in theory tamora pierce books in the mail to me. i can see the good, i just need to learn to give it its proper weight.

--