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omnia_mutanturGah.
I wrote half of this entry at work friday, and the notes for another chunk of this entry on a napkin at a girlyman show in pittsfield last night.
Iceberg got mugged. And it's freaking me out a little bit.
Both Light and my sleep schedules have been completely out of whack all this week. The beginning of the week, I imagine it was because I was going to bed early, either with a headache or just to be able to fall asleep and avoid this horrible sense of something looming over me. But at least Wednesday and Thursday I made a point of trying to stay up at least until 9:30 (which I know sounds super early, but when you a) wake at 5:45, and b) don't fall asleep quickly, it's a pretty reasonable time to get in bed by) I envy people who can operate on less than eight hours, but I've found myself a hell of a lot more even keeled on eight than I ever was on six. And I know it's hard to tell which of the three thousand factors that are constantly changing make more stable and which have nothing to do with it, but I'm cautious about mucking with any that might be contributing factors. And, apparently, I'm a little defensive about needing so much sleep, and I think in part it's the culture I move in, or culture I watch, where I see people so very much about being on the go, and something about undersleeping seeming valiant and interesting.
Which leads to another internal topic of debate, specifically the livejournals I'm reading. I've sworn off friendsfriends, and certain other journals, because I think it's probably a little bit too much like picking a scab, since much like the valley, the internet is full of people with whom my relationships went south. (the valley probably more so, seeing how it's a little more finite than the internet). I don't read a huge number of journals, the majority of my friends page is still taken up with a couple communities and feeds about food, and the real people are a pleasant combination of friends whom I've seen in person, friends I haven't seen in person, oncefriends or possiblefriends fading into acquaintances, and complete strangers, either with potential for friendship, or just out of an appreciation of good prose. And the first two categories are grand, and the fourth one always fascinating, but the third gives me much pause.
My friends page makes me feel socially inadequate, and I don't particularly enjoy that feeling. Which isn't to blame LJ or any of the people posting, any perception of inadequacy is my own, and stems either from unresolved issues or actual inadequacy. I've extended myself where I can, and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, and the times it worked are totally worth the times it didn't, but much like every other arena of my life, I'm better at focusing on the bad than the good.
And I know many of the roots of this. I'm monogamous, and intend to remain so, no matter how much I miss kissing girls. I prefer Light's company to most other people. I go to bed early. I don't drink. I live in the valley. So why do I envy the social whirlwinds I witness, even when I imagine were I in one, I'd just be exhausted and fussy? I'm still not sure, and I'd like to puzzle it out, if only to lay the envy to rest. Maybe it's that I'd like the invitation to say no to. Or I'd like to be sought out by more people than I am now. Even if I think the grapes are sour, I still want them.
other stuff.
I think some moods just need to be soldiered through. There's an other side to this, there's an other side to everything. The show last night was awesome, the banter was adorable, the mike cords were pink, and they played Father Figure, Rock Me Amadeus AND Way Over Yonder in a Minor Key. The chocolate perfume, while probably not appropriate for work, is awesome and lasts all day. Our neighbor told Light it always smells awesome when he opens the door, which made me smug, and the new stepper, while probably not great exercise, is seriously fun and probably better than nothing.
But Media's disappointed by a choice i made, or am making, which makes it super hard for me to make that choice, even if it's what i want, we couldn't find Burlington Coat Factory, I feel obnoxious and awkward all the time, i freaked out about the crowd at the show and i'm afraid that it signals an uprising of phobia to accompany the uprising of anxiety.
i think i need to figure out how to keep moving. i'm not sure if i need to wait for motivation and mood, or take action and hope the appropriate sentiments will follow, but i imagine after trying the first for awhile, i'll have no choice but to default to the second. i'm getting antisocial again, and sometimes that's a totally fine choice for me, and sometimes it's yet another signal of going to a bad place.
I'm a little nervous that Mech's package hasn't gotten there yet, and am hoping that the other things I mailed out have made it to their final destinations, or will make it there shortly. If they don't, I'm wicked sorry. I enjoyed sending out the first round of birthday cards, and will shortly be sending out the two February cards next week. If you think you might have been missed, let me know. If you had a January birthday and didn't get one, there are many cute belated cards available to you. Because mail is awesome, and buying cards is wicked fun.
and, on a purely practical note, anyone in the valley have a nice hairdresser to suggest? or a good place to look for a language class? or suggestions for fun and legal things to do with my new cooking torch?
I wrote half of this entry at work friday, and the notes for another chunk of this entry on a napkin at a girlyman show in pittsfield last night.
Iceberg got mugged. And it's freaking me out a little bit.
Both Light and my sleep schedules have been completely out of whack all this week. The beginning of the week, I imagine it was because I was going to bed early, either with a headache or just to be able to fall asleep and avoid this horrible sense of something looming over me. But at least Wednesday and Thursday I made a point of trying to stay up at least until 9:30 (which I know sounds super early, but when you a) wake at 5:45, and b) don't fall asleep quickly, it's a pretty reasonable time to get in bed by) I envy people who can operate on less than eight hours, but I've found myself a hell of a lot more even keeled on eight than I ever was on six. And I know it's hard to tell which of the three thousand factors that are constantly changing make more stable and which have nothing to do with it, but I'm cautious about mucking with any that might be contributing factors. And, apparently, I'm a little defensive about needing so much sleep, and I think in part it's the culture I move in, or culture I watch, where I see people so very much about being on the go, and something about undersleeping seeming valiant and interesting.
Which leads to another internal topic of debate, specifically the livejournals I'm reading. I've sworn off friendsfriends, and certain other journals, because I think it's probably a little bit too much like picking a scab, since much like the valley, the internet is full of people with whom my relationships went south. (the valley probably more so, seeing how it's a little more finite than the internet). I don't read a huge number of journals, the majority of my friends page is still taken up with a couple communities and feeds about food, and the real people are a pleasant combination of friends whom I've seen in person, friends I haven't seen in person, oncefriends or possiblefriends fading into acquaintances, and complete strangers, either with potential for friendship, or just out of an appreciation of good prose. And the first two categories are grand, and the fourth one always fascinating, but the third gives me much pause.
My friends page makes me feel socially inadequate, and I don't particularly enjoy that feeling. Which isn't to blame LJ or any of the people posting, any perception of inadequacy is my own, and stems either from unresolved issues or actual inadequacy. I've extended myself where I can, and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, and the times it worked are totally worth the times it didn't, but much like every other arena of my life, I'm better at focusing on the bad than the good.
And I know many of the roots of this. I'm monogamous, and intend to remain so, no matter how much I miss kissing girls. I prefer Light's company to most other people. I go to bed early. I don't drink. I live in the valley. So why do I envy the social whirlwinds I witness, even when I imagine were I in one, I'd just be exhausted and fussy? I'm still not sure, and I'd like to puzzle it out, if only to lay the envy to rest. Maybe it's that I'd like the invitation to say no to. Or I'd like to be sought out by more people than I am now. Even if I think the grapes are sour, I still want them.
other stuff.
I think some moods just need to be soldiered through. There's an other side to this, there's an other side to everything. The show last night was awesome, the banter was adorable, the mike cords were pink, and they played Father Figure, Rock Me Amadeus AND Way Over Yonder in a Minor Key. The chocolate perfume, while probably not appropriate for work, is awesome and lasts all day. Our neighbor told Light it always smells awesome when he opens the door, which made me smug, and the new stepper, while probably not great exercise, is seriously fun and probably better than nothing.
But Media's disappointed by a choice i made, or am making, which makes it super hard for me to make that choice, even if it's what i want, we couldn't find Burlington Coat Factory, I feel obnoxious and awkward all the time, i freaked out about the crowd at the show and i'm afraid that it signals an uprising of phobia to accompany the uprising of anxiety.
i think i need to figure out how to keep moving. i'm not sure if i need to wait for motivation and mood, or take action and hope the appropriate sentiments will follow, but i imagine after trying the first for awhile, i'll have no choice but to default to the second. i'm getting antisocial again, and sometimes that's a totally fine choice for me, and sometimes it's yet another signal of going to a bad place.
I'm a little nervous that Mech's package hasn't gotten there yet, and am hoping that the other things I mailed out have made it to their final destinations, or will make it there shortly. If they don't, I'm wicked sorry. I enjoyed sending out the first round of birthday cards, and will shortly be sending out the two February cards next week. If you think you might have been missed, let me know. If you had a January birthday and didn't get one, there are many cute belated cards available to you. Because mail is awesome, and buying cards is wicked fun.
and, on a purely practical note, anyone in the valley have a nice hairdresser to suggest? or a good place to look for a language class? or suggestions for fun and legal things to do with my new cooking torch?
