(no subject)
Jul. 10th, 2025 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturOddly rough day. Or maybe not odd, hard to tell. I did a volunteer gig in a kitchen today and I am 100% convinced either I missed some social cue, or I missed one last time and everyone's being weird now. Or I'm just a self-absorbed asshole and everyone else is having a bad day and I just think it's about me.
I'm on a lot of discords and I even engage with a handful of them, and it always feels adjacent to something satisfying, like there's a way I might be able to do it that would feel more like connecting with people, but I haven't figured that out.
When I cry in therapy, I sometimes end up talking about what might be different if I was faster or smarter (and yeah, sometimes stronger but never bigger), like there's all these things that are just out of my reach that would make sense or make me happy or content or fulfilled if I was just a little bit (or a lot bit) different, but I can't figure out what they are.
I was trying to journal last night about the things that other people have said to me that I've internalized, the ones I can actually remember rather than the kind that my parents said that were just the water I swam in. It feels like there's a puzzle there, if I can find the right place to pick apart the web, maybe I can change something?
M once told me I wanted nothing from other people but pity. I think it was the first time that I realized that someone's perception of me could just be wrong. Up until that point, if someone told me I was something, I believed them, their perception created my reality, and if it didn't line up with how I understood myself, clearly they had a better perspective than I did, and if it contradicted something someone else had said, then I wasn't understanding one or the other person, or wasn't maintaining internal consistency and that was a problem too.
But, for all that I thought/think that probably everyone's depressed and just being much more functional about it, on the other hand, somehow I took pity to mean that he thought that working with what I'm working with (waves a hand up and down at self) someone else could have done a better job of muddling through than I did. Which doesn't make a lot of sense as a core belief, but is also in the same category as getting better on account of spite. And it's hard to talk about, because I can hold the idea that I'm not unique or special, nothing I do is harder than anyone else has it, but also everyone else is building a better life with the same tools I have. But there's also a small, angry part of me that wants to shout about for all it's not that much, it dares anyone to make as much out of this capsized ship of a self.
I'm on a lot of discords and I even engage with a handful of them, and it always feels adjacent to something satisfying, like there's a way I might be able to do it that would feel more like connecting with people, but I haven't figured that out.
When I cry in therapy, I sometimes end up talking about what might be different if I was faster or smarter (and yeah, sometimes stronger but never bigger), like there's all these things that are just out of my reach that would make sense or make me happy or content or fulfilled if I was just a little bit (or a lot bit) different, but I can't figure out what they are.
I was trying to journal last night about the things that other people have said to me that I've internalized, the ones I can actually remember rather than the kind that my parents said that were just the water I swam in. It feels like there's a puzzle there, if I can find the right place to pick apart the web, maybe I can change something?
M once told me I wanted nothing from other people but pity. I think it was the first time that I realized that someone's perception of me could just be wrong. Up until that point, if someone told me I was something, I believed them, their perception created my reality, and if it didn't line up with how I understood myself, clearly they had a better perspective than I did, and if it contradicted something someone else had said, then I wasn't understanding one or the other person, or wasn't maintaining internal consistency and that was a problem too.
But, for all that I thought/think that probably everyone's depressed and just being much more functional about it, on the other hand, somehow I took pity to mean that he thought that working with what I'm working with (waves a hand up and down at self) someone else could have done a better job of muddling through than I did. Which doesn't make a lot of sense as a core belief, but is also in the same category as getting better on account of spite. And it's hard to talk about, because I can hold the idea that I'm not unique or special, nothing I do is harder than anyone else has it, but also everyone else is building a better life with the same tools I have. But there's also a small, angry part of me that wants to shout about for all it's not that much, it dares anyone to make as much out of this capsized ship of a self.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-11 12:18 pm (UTC)That's some really good introspection there. I think I've also internalized a lot of stuff about myself and it comes out in the way I preemptively defend everything I do because I'm sure I did it wrong somehow (and it's not like anyone ever taught me anything; my parents seemed to assume I'd figure everything out, and now I'm 35 and have to google things like how do you clean a mirror). But there's probably other stuff I haven't even noticed.