(no subject)
Oct. 14th, 2004 09:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturit definitely makes me more moody to have no internet access at work.
i like the feeling of contact lj gives me, not necessarily in the comment/response interplay, just in its existence. and it's not that i'm emotionally dependent on the forum, or at least i don't think i am, i think it just sort of distracts me from the mindsuckage that is what i do for a living.
the week feels oddly empty, and i'm not sure why. it may be that game was overlooked in obvious favor of visiting Spark, or that monday as a holiday didn't contain much other than neatening the house and spending lots of money at the vet. and an offhand comment by someone makes me wonder if i look lonely to the outside eye. and i know i'm not supposed to wonder about what i project, other than occasionally checking to see if i give offense, but i have these moods, and i don't know what to do with them. and i start trying to figure out what i look like to other people, not physically, but from inside my head, or even via this medium. and it seems selfindulgent, but sometimes i forget how to be real, how to make sure i'm not just the sum of what Light sees and what History sees.
and even to talk about it sounds weak and sort of cheap, like this is an infantile attempt to disguise a meme about myself as philosophical meanderings, when really, i don't post those quizzes not because i don't want to know, but because i'm terrified no one would answer, and it seems best not ask questions i can't handle the answers to.
i want to peel apart someone else, see if they ask themselves the same questions, and if they do, see how they answer themselves, what they use to be okay in their skin, or if they aren't okay, how they fake it. i'm not unhappy, i'm probably as far from unhappy as i've ever been in my life, and i imagine another year of this, and i might even feel safe. i'm just feeling a little lost. i've always wondered about the bugs i return to the outdoors when i find them crawling about my kitchen. and i know it's anthropomorphizing, but what must it be like to be picked up from one path, and deposited somewhere else entirely? is that what i'm feeling now, some sense of dislocation because i expected to be a lot more lost than i currently am?
and now i sound like i'm going to break into a chorus of amazing grace.
a night i didn't expect to be spending by myself, and unaccountably moody. what could have been three days turned into zero and no other option but to be okay with it and move on. which sounds sullen, but really, i'm just trying to reconcile myself with reality.
i've got footie pajamas and hot cocoa and a kitten, and i'll fall asleep down here until light comes home. i'll miss who i miss, try what i can and leave it at that.
i like the feeling of contact lj gives me, not necessarily in the comment/response interplay, just in its existence. and it's not that i'm emotionally dependent on the forum, or at least i don't think i am, i think it just sort of distracts me from the mindsuckage that is what i do for a living.
the week feels oddly empty, and i'm not sure why. it may be that game was overlooked in obvious favor of visiting Spark, or that monday as a holiday didn't contain much other than neatening the house and spending lots of money at the vet. and an offhand comment by someone makes me wonder if i look lonely to the outside eye. and i know i'm not supposed to wonder about what i project, other than occasionally checking to see if i give offense, but i have these moods, and i don't know what to do with them. and i start trying to figure out what i look like to other people, not physically, but from inside my head, or even via this medium. and it seems selfindulgent, but sometimes i forget how to be real, how to make sure i'm not just the sum of what Light sees and what History sees.
and even to talk about it sounds weak and sort of cheap, like this is an infantile attempt to disguise a meme about myself as philosophical meanderings, when really, i don't post those quizzes not because i don't want to know, but because i'm terrified no one would answer, and it seems best not ask questions i can't handle the answers to.
i want to peel apart someone else, see if they ask themselves the same questions, and if they do, see how they answer themselves, what they use to be okay in their skin, or if they aren't okay, how they fake it. i'm not unhappy, i'm probably as far from unhappy as i've ever been in my life, and i imagine another year of this, and i might even feel safe. i'm just feeling a little lost. i've always wondered about the bugs i return to the outdoors when i find them crawling about my kitchen. and i know it's anthropomorphizing, but what must it be like to be picked up from one path, and deposited somewhere else entirely? is that what i'm feeling now, some sense of dislocation because i expected to be a lot more lost than i currently am?
and now i sound like i'm going to break into a chorus of amazing grace.
a night i didn't expect to be spending by myself, and unaccountably moody. what could have been three days turned into zero and no other option but to be okay with it and move on. which sounds sullen, but really, i'm just trying to reconcile myself with reality.
i've got footie pajamas and hot cocoa and a kitten, and i'll fall asleep down here until light comes home. i'll miss who i miss, try what i can and leave it at that.
