omnia_mutantur | (no subject)

Nice spiral, brain!

This morning, it was raining and it was a lovely, cozy sound to wake up to. And then I remembered, even if I wasn't going to leave the house, it's now pretty much impossible for me to leave the house, since the only way I can get out atm is across the lawn, which will be a delightful combination of muddy and slippery at this point. (There's front stairs that don't involve the lawn, they're just steep and would have the same being-rained-on issue if I tried to go down on my butt, which is still how I navigate stairs.).

So, I got sad about being extra-stuck. I had contemplated maybe trying to ask Abundance to just drive me somewhere that wasn't PT this weekend. Not a get-out-of-the-car drive, just a different view. Not anymore! Even if there doesn't end up being rain, the threat of it, my reaction to the threat of it and the time it'll take the lawn to dry are probably going to combine to keep me in the house.

Hell, Abundance even suggested just taking a vacation to the downstairs, for a different view. It didn't feel like a good idea, getting closer to the things I can't do (at least in Abundance's room, I can't see the kitchen), sitting on a piece of furniture even lower to the ground and harder to get out of, doing the strain-my-shoulders-more thing for what felt like a limited reward felt like a bad bargain. So I'm still in bed.

The rain/trapped sad quickly devolved into what felt like two complimentary forks of sad. Once of them was about competence. Lying in bed in Abundance's room means listening to him take a lot of meetings and talk very competently-sounding on a number of issues, while also sounding like he's doing a very good job at managing/herding people. Competence is dead sexy, but it's also giving me an opportunity to remember that I long for something to feel like I'm good at. I used to be good at being with Spark, I used to be good at the online community I was helping admin, I'm not able to be good at the first, due to lack of opportunity, and I've burnt out on the second.

Then we (my brain and I) jumped the tracks to how among the many other things I'm not good at, I'm not currently good at poly. (Here my interalized therapist voice jumps in to remind me that I'm just struggling with poly, it's not a matter of being bad at it, but I don't actually believe her). I had managed mostly to keep the brain-demons at bay until today, (his date-night is Friday) but their revenge was starting up bright and early. If some of the root of poly-insecurity is what my relationship with Abundance is and isn't, if the way to some security is to feel plenty, it feels like there's no way that's going to happen for what feels like the foreseeable future. I've still got the attention I crave, much of the time its focus feels born out of grim necessity. I can get bits of it back, we're finding ways and I appreciate so much the bits that I can still have, but no adventures, no sex, fuck, while we're trying to make it work, I can't even cuddle in the ways I wish to cuddle. I can't have the things it feels like I need, through no fault of Abundance's, but maybe also through no fault of my own. And of course, it's also 100% my fault. I'm the one who fell, everything that happens after that is my fault.

So my heart feels like it hurts, and the list of things I might do to make myself feel better seems like like explicit mockery, I can't go to the woods, I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't go for a drive, I can't go see Delight and Spark, and even the things that I can do, I'm doing so much of that they're working less and less each passing day. (ask me about the speed at which I'm DNFing books or noping out of even being able to pick something to watch)

I had one week of three times a week PT, one week of two times a week PT and then at least the next three weeks are going to be once a week. Which is progress, and that's great and I'm glad I've already gotten so much knee mobility back. There's almost no at-home exercises to do at this point, there's nothing I can do, and as much as it's hard to be PT-compliant, the hurry-up-and-wait approach is kind of not my jam. And it's not like in a month, something magical happens and I get to go back to the rest of my life. In a month, I maybe start getting to do some toe-touches for stability when I'm walking. This still feels like the wrong decision, and there's nothing to be done about that now. And I feel like a shit for saying that, for all the effort that Light and Abundance are putting in, for all the people who can't have their knees repaired, admitting that I wish I hadn't done this feels unappreciative.

I should be looking for bright sides, I should be appreciating all the amazing support I'm getting, I should be pleased with all the progress my knee is making, I should be finding some positive rhetoric. I should be wallowing, much much less. Instead, I'll wail uncritically on the internet So, choices.

I'm afraid I've lost the trick of crying in total silence, which even if no one (including myself) needs me to do anymore, feels like a skill I should have held on to.